Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

A couple of cute cartoons I had sent to me.

Fast Sex




Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"


Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What
happened...?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,



"The%*$!(@!( had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

3 Labs
 

Three male Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting In the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab
And asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired."Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres

that were aired on TV & Radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava

from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"





2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves

it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really

a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah,

isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the

Cox of the Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold

Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife

takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'

said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."





7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob,

where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only

did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were

laughing so hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters -

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."





10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."





11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer

for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only

come in his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson

lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick

likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
> > >
> > >
> > > Dear Diary,
> > >
> > > For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> > > personal training at the local health club for me.
> > >
> > > Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> > > cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> > > and give it a try.
> > >
> > > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> > > Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> > > model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
> > >
> > > My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> > > encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > > MONDAY:
> > >
> > > Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> > > well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
> > > for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing
> > > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
> > > showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> > > conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
> > >
> > > Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> > > aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> > >
> > > TUESDAY:
> > >
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >
> > > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> > > then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> > > all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > WEDNESDAY:
> > >
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> > > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> > > hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > > steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> > >
> > > Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> > > club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> > > and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> > > stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > > activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> > >
> > > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> > > some other shit too.
> > >
> > > THURSDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > > thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> > > a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> > >
> > > Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> > > ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
> > >
> > >
> > > Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > > FRIDAY :
> > >
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> > > other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> > > anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
> > > without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> > >
> > > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> > > And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
> > > barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
> > > flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
> > >
> > > Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> > > choir director?
> > >
> > > SATURDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> > > voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > > want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> > > hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > SUNDAY :
> > >
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> > > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> > > daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
> > > a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
> > > over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Just one for the men.

Ladies, there is nothing of interest here, move along please.

The Vodka Scooter!
 

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Vodka Scooter'.
The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.
The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion -

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The Scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for! This answers a third question after a night out, 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences.

Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men no jacket.

Vodka scooters.........the wonders of modern technology.......
Have you ever had a ride on one??!!

My daughter sent this link.

It's funny.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=25774

^^^ Excellent! ^^^

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


Happy Halloween

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again , but something happened. I'm trying to break this to you gently, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on. 'The good news is that you've got $30,000 compensation coming to you and we now have the technology to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact. But, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap - it's a thousand dollars an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So, the thing is' says the doctor, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher, she might be disappointed. So, it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'Well, my dear fellow, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're getting a new kitchen.'

I've seen this before, but it's still a goodie.

Clearly he was telling her "faster", & she misunderstood...


Could happen to anybody.