DM,

Wait till we have access to the security film.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out,
and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
do their business behind a headstone or something. The
first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off
her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend
however was wearing an expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a
grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the
other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out
have got to stop. My wife came home last night without
her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine
came back with a sympathy card stuck between the
cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

One of the junior Oldfarts (my younger daughter) sent me this.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.



Her boss asked sympathetically, "what's the matter?"



The blonde replies, "early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."



The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."



"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."



The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.



"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.



"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"




I think this one's been around already, but one more time wont hurt anybody hey?
The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women...

1.



2.





3.



4.





5.



6.



7.



8.



9.



10. They have boobs.

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .






"OK, Monica, you're free to go."



:D

Pa-tooooie.

This is a repeat, but for those who haven't heard it before,


MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY"

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with
his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas. "

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my
private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?"


You're going to love this..................




















"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

The difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey you, get off my cloud" while the Scotsman sings "Hey, McCloud, get off :ewe: :ewe: :ewe: my ewe."

:roflmao:

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A:"Gifted"

Q: What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?

A: A Golden Retriever Q: How do blonde brains cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What did the blonde say to the doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?

A: Because that's where you're suppose to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde in the car with you?

A: Cause then you can park in the handicap zones.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes be allowed to take coffee breaks?

A: It takes to long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if a second blonde has used the same computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to put information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get the shopping channel.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?

A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water in those little boxes.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they can't get their heads in the jar.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMW's?

A: Because they can spell it Q: Why do blondes right T.G.I.F. on their shoes?

A: To help them remember T.oes G.o I.n F.irst.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on each side of her?

A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

A: A mental block.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

A: Blow in her ear.

Q: What's the first thing that a blonde does in the morning?

A: Introduces herself.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

Q: What is is called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A: Data Transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress while reading her name tag?

A: "Debbie"...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

A: They are easier to keep amuzed.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. She just holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her!

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a Veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.....

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

A: She missed the earth.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A: She slipped off the sink and broke her ankle.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that dropped out of nursing school?

A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: Why did the blonde stare intently on the carton of orange juice?

A: It said "concentrate".

Q: What do they call four blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin'.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2 to 4 years".

Q: How many blondes does it tak to play hide and seek?

A: Just one, and she's STILL trying to find herself!

Q: What do you call the skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

Q: Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?

A: Because they can't figure out how to get 8 cups of water and a cup of sugar in those little packets..

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

A: Blow in her ear.

Q: why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam?

A: She wasn't used to the front seat.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: ....I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

A: Two. One to stand in the bath tub of water and the other to plug in and pass her the blow dryer.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket and riding on a motorcycle?

A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number "Eleven"?

A: She didn't know which of the one's came first.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A: Air pockets.

Q: What can strike a blonde without them ever knowing it?

A: A thought.

Q: Why do blondes hate M & M's?

A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What's brown and red....and black and blue all over?

A: A beat up brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What does Dr. "Bones" McCoy say just before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: SPACE....The final frontier.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a tall building, who hit the ground first?

A: The brunette, the blonde stopped to ask for directions.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by some people's words?

A: Because these people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: They both eventually end up in the gutter.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A: So men and brunettes can understand them too.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: "Frosted Flakes"

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has actually been seen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was asked if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz?

A: "No, but I've been pulled aroung by my ponytail."

Q: What do blondes and cow "patties" have in common.

A: They both get easier to pick up with age.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in just 6 months?

A: Because on the box it read:"From 2 to 4 years."

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell her a joke on Friday nights.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios?

A: "Oh looky!!! Donut seeds!!!!!"

Q: How does a blonde discribe in words how it feels being surrounded by a bunch of drooling idiots?

A: "Flattered."

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?

A: Because they can't spell Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

A: A "Branch" Manager.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They are both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Turns out....neither could the blondes.

Q: What is the blondes "cheer"?

A: "I'm a blonde, I'm a blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh...oh well....

I'm a blonde, I'm a blonde, yea..yea...yea!"

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker and the bottom of the pool.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: "SPOT."

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair in ponytails?

A: To hide the air valve stems.

Q: What do you call you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A: Space invader.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's disposable diaper once every month?

A: Because it says right on the package: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: How does a blonde High-five?

A: She smacks herself on the forehead.

Q: How do you amuze a blonde for hours?

A: Just write, "Place this side down" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite Rock Group?

A: Air Supply.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde with P.M.S. and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the "1-1" when they dial "9-1-1".

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eye?

A: The back of her head.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing panty hose?

A: When she passes gas, she blows her shoes off.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You Don't. They're born that way.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde write mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How does a blonde balance her check book?

A: On the end of one finger, but on her nose if she's really good at it.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?

A: There's a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She can get the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What is five miles long, makes a whining noise and has an IQ of 40?

A: Blondes on Parade.

Q: To a blonde what is it that is long and hard?

A: The fourth grade.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Pitbull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she didn't eat red meat anyway.

Q: Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine closet?

A: She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all accidents happen around the home?

A: She moved.

Q: Why do blondes like lightening?

A: It makes them think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes so much?

A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

Q: Why don't they hire blonde pharmacists?

A: She kept breaking the pill bottles trying to get them into the typewriter.

Q: What is the definition of GROSS IGNORANCE?

A: 144 Blondes.

Q: What are the worse five years in a blonde's life?

A: sixth grade.

Q: Why was the front of the blondes clothes always so filthy?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk."

Q: How did the blonde get 36 holes in her face?

A: Trying to learn to eat with a fork.

Q: Why did President Bush want to send an army of blondes with P.M.S. over to Iraq?

A: They're irritated enough to kill and they retain water.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: Because their ovens don't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why do blondes have a hard time dialing 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't find the number 11 on the phone.



KEEP GOING.....LOT'S MORE BLONDE JOKES!!!



Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call four blondes lying side by side on the ground?

A: An air mattress.

Q: What do they call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?

A: Divorcee' Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: "What? What?"

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in the backseat of her car?

A: In case she locks her keys in the car.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at the local University sports events?

A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a Rolls Royce.

A: Widow of that Old Rich guy.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M & M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?

A: Give her a bag of m & m's and have her alphabetize them.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?

A: She missed.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road.

A: I don't know, and neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?

A: To show the chicken how it was done.

Q: What job title does a blonde have in an M & M factory?

A: "Proofreader."

Q: Why did they fire the blonde from the M & M factory?

A: She kept throwing away all the "W's"

Q: Why did the blonde steal the police car?

A: She saw 911 on it and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?

A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind the steering wheel?

A: An Air Bag.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: "It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on It's off..."

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What goes: VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for blondes?

A: Perri-air.

Q: How can you tell when there's a blonde working in the office?

A: There's a bed in the stockroom and all the bosses are smiling!

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

A: Stick a tire pressure guage in her ear.

Q: Why can't blondes put light bulbs in?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammer.

Hey.............








OF..............















































....... got any "blonde" jokes, mate? ;)

DM

I knew OF would never resort to posting a few blonde jokes for a cheap laugh :rolleyes:

Absolutely!!

This was not a few LOL

Really?

Hadn't noticed...

I almost missed it too.