I told the same joke to mrs zoid today, substituting Tennessee for Georgia...

It got a hoot out of her...

The Scotsman, The Englishman & The Irishman Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. - All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "But it did happen to me sister."

The Golf Bet
 

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The Priest said, 'Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, 'I'll marry them.' :p

Senior Marriage
 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Bridal Registry.............ROFLMAO!!!!!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from southern
Virginia arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled;
'Come on,this Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings, her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know. I thought you were
watching.'

Moral of the story:

Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men . . . are men.

Pachelbel's Canon
 

This is cute: Pachelbel Rant

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma;
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

Loved it.

WOW!!! The scientists have really been busy this month! On the heels of their most recent discovery of Governmentium, they've discovered two MORE elements!



Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!



Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

How to get a man to wash his hands
 

Possibly a re-post, but I KNOW Aqua (and others) will like it!!

I do! :D

DM

Jeez, don't let Aqua find this place! He'll wear the skin clean off his hands...

And PF'll go nutsier trying to get the knickers off.

D'you think it wiser NOT to tell him where i is then? Or should we...... just for a giggle?!?! :devil:

DM

Be nice!
 

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Walmart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children
you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9
and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
plain stupid?''

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got
laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."