Yep, I think DM got that one about right. :D

Shame on you DB! :whack:......... :roflmao:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
Breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
Have just one problem... It's these breasts you have given me. The
Middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
With my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
Pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only
Two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point", replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
You know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
Only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
Away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
Into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
Animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
The animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
Could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
Create a man from a part of you. Now let's see......where did I put the
Useless boob?"

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure.


It seems the in Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant; in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant; in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant; in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant; in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant; in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Just heard on TV.

Dyslexic creationism.

The story of Adam and Ewe.

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible> sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

:roflmao:

A Fairy Tale
 

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:


Once upon a time


~~~~~~~~


in a land far away,


~~~~~~~~


a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess


~~~~~~~~


happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.


~~~~~~~~


The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


~~~~~~~~


One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry


~~~~~~~~


and set up housekeeping in your castle


~~~~~~~~


with my mother,


~~~~~~~~


where you can prepare my meals,


~~~~~~~~


clean my clothes, bear my children,


~~~~~~~~


and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~


That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautéed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't {bleeping} think so.

A Fairy Tale
 

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:


Once upon a time


~~~~~~~~


in a land far away,


~~~~~~~~


a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess


~~~~~~~~


happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.


~~~~~~~~


The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


~~~~~~~~


One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry


~~~~~~~~


and set up housekeeping in your castle


~~~~~~~~


with my mother,


~~~~~~~~


where you can prepare my meals,


~~~~~~~~


clean my clothes, bear my children,


~~~~~~~~


and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~


That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautéed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't {bleeping} think so.

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...

Water vs.wine

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a public service.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging Two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a While a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the Pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there Are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says The little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you Get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of SYDNEY FOOTBAL STADIUM. Each time there's a ROOSTERS football game on, a Lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my Flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes With a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks His little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or Off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing!"

A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious that
someone had recently punched his face.

His pal asked,

"What on earth happened to you then?"

The chap replied,

"I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in the
face!

I was just killing a bit of time in a pub and my luggage bag was in the
way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar.

He was happy to do this. When I went back to collect it later, this
barmaid was on duty.

All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit
me!"

Remins me of a T-shirt a friend bought me (20+) years ago;

"Don't drink water - fish fuck in it!"

Heehee........ and yes, I did wear it!! :D

DM

Hopefully football fans in the southern US don't hate me for this one, I'm just passing it along. I've heard many of these in different contexts (1nutworld, osuche and PF had a few of them going pretty well before the Ohio St./Michigan game last fall).

Football Quiz
Whoopie! It's football season! Fall weather! Cookouts! Picnics! Best socializing of the year! Here is the traditional collegiate football quiz to begin the season. Even though you may know most of the answers, it is still fun to reminisce the halcyon days of yore.

1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SAT's?
..........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
.........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana . He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash).....
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .

I'm not touching this one.