6) "going down" in gay bar is not the same
thing as in a sports bar;)
7) the men are better looking at a gay bar

This is not funny really but I laughed my ass off
 

just sick I guess.........


Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden
behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long
life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't
get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a
woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's
manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual
meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make
sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home
where she found him sitting by the pool with another female
resident-who
was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's




I know that was just so wrong! LMAO!

Is it wrong that I cracked up at that?

Lilith---I have always had;what others described;as a sick sense
of humor!Don't feel bad-I thought it was hysterical.I have come to
realise that what one thinks is funny;another does not!Beauty is
in the eye of the beholder! Irish

Helpful Advice

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

OOOOHHHHH!!!! gives me shivers just THINKING about it!

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she notices an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, a few on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!

That sounds just like my great grandmother. Every time i see her she asks me when was the last time i had some and reminds me that women in our family have a high sex drive and that you should get it on the regular cause it keeps you young.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Did you know that the Oval Office since the Lewinsky affair is called Oral Office?

yes but did she inhale

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years
of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes
up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man
will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and
squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any
meat at it!"

'SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.'

'I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.'

Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador!

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, the beautiful blond, Ivonne, had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys... One at a time."

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied:
"When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

What Mummy Likes
 

A four-year-old Bobby wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.
"I've lost my mummy!" wails Bob, sobbing convulsively.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?"
"Vodka and men with big cocks," sobs little Bobby.

:D

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.
The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshole you are!"

Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

Little Johnny at School
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when his teacher held up a bag, and asked the class to guess what was inside.
"Here's a hint," she said. "It's a fruit, and it's crunchy and red."

Johnny's hand shot up. "It's an apple!" he declared.

"Good job, Johnny. I like the way you think."

"Thank you, teacher. Now I have a question for you. There's something in my pocket that's hard and round, with a head on one end. What is it?"

"That's it, Johnny," yelled the teacher. "Go to the office."

"It's a quarter, teacher. But I like the way you think."

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."

Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."

Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."

The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"

She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"

And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."

"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.

"No, you ain't," said Little Red.

"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.

Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

One day there were four people absent from class. The next day one of the boys came back to school, and the teacher asked where were you. And then he replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. Then the next day, another boy came in and the teacher asked where were you? He replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. The next day the third boy came in and said where were you and he replied on top of Beverly Hills. And next the third person which was a girl came in and the teacher asked where were you. And before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess on top of Beverly Hills. And the girl said no I am Beverly Hills.

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench gorging himself with candy bars. An elderly man sat next to him and chided Johnny for being such a glutton: "Son, eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, make you fat, and give you acne".
Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old".
The elderly man asked him "Did your grandfather continually eat candy bars?"
"No" Little Johnny replied, "He minded his own fucking business!"
:D

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The
priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

Actual Instruction Labels...


ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

on a box of tooth picks
"Grasp one end firmly, insert other end between teeth and twist.
repeat for remaining teeth"

Instructions like this make me wonder WHO the inmates are...

sounds like mainly US instructions... :D


"mummy, mummy, do lemons have legs?"
"no."
"then I have squeezed out our canary bird"


"mummy, mummy, I´m sick!"
"why, it´s only the prewashing...?"


"mummy, mummy, how far is it until America?"
"shut up and continue swimming!"


"mummy, mummy, I don´t like Grandpa!"
"eat at last what you have on your plate!"


"mummy, mummy, I have found Grandma!"
"I told you not to dig below the roses!"

how does osama bin laden practice safe sex ?
easy, he marks the camels that kick.

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go
home and show her you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist
in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on,
you're taking orders from me. I want my supper
right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight,
I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to
stay at home where you belong. And another thing,
guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a
shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up
supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a
bucket and an anvil.
Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

a westerner went to book a flight to NY. he asked the woman "how much will that be" she said " one sec................that will be $320 including tax.
then the man asked "how long will the trip take" the woman said "one sec" the man said "wow that's great"

"My RESIGNATION"
 

This may have been posted before, but I think it bears repeating...

"My RESIGNATION"

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I
have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8
year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a 'Four Star
Restaurant'.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree, and run a lemonade standwith my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you
knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and
good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be
oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the
little things again!!!!

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word,
truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card
bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood!!

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch
me first, cause.......




......"Tag! You're it."

You Know You're From Tennessee If......
 

(a lil insight into the culture of my home state)

You Know You're From Tennessee If......

1. You measure distance in hours.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, or animal.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
9. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
14. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
17. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer,Summer, Still Summer,and Christmas.
19. You know whether another Tennessean is from west, middle, or east Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"or off to "Wally World."
22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor
24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Tennessee!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though!"

seen on a wall "my mother made me a homosexual"
and writen below it"if i left the wool woul she make me
one:D

a man walks in to a bar and orders three double
vodkas and gulps them down.

the barman askes whats wrong

he replys that my older brother told me hes gay

24 hours later the same man walks in and orders
three double vodkas

the bar man askes now whats wrong

the man says my younger brother says hes gay to

the next day the man again walks in and orders three
double vodkas

the bar man say dam do any of your family sleep
with women

the man says yes my wife

i just loved these jokes when i found them :D

Full Of It

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a
large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had
been hours since her last meal and she was
feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.
She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed
her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had eaten far too much and could not
get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright
against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just
climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne
she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny
wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped
like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrel."