ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

_____

WARNING:

The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Cajun joke

Early one morning, Tee Jean was walking along the bank of Bayou Que de Tortue behind his house. All of a sudden, he noticed that the family outhouse, located right on the bank, was tilting dangerously toward the bayou; the heavy downpour from the previous night had serious eroded the bank where the outhouse was located. Being a boy (and a pretty canaille one at that) and reasoning that the outhouse was beyond salvage, Tee Jean picked up a big stick and whacked the outhouse - really peléed it - and watched as the outhouse toppled over, fell into the bayou, and quickly sank under the muddy waters. A few hours later, Tee Jean's father came up to him and with anger in his voice asked, "Tee Jean, did you knock that outhouse into the bayou?" "Papa," the boy answered, "like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. I did it." "Mais, Tee Jean, come with me maintenant to the woodshed. You are going to get the whipping of your life!" Tee Jean was shocked by this turn of events and said, "Papa, when George Washington told his papa that he had chopped down the cherry tree, his papa didn't give him a whipping." "Mais no, Tee Jean," said his father, "but George Washington's papa wasn't in that cherry tree when he cut it down, either."

As we suspected.
 

The missing frame #227 has ben located from the tape

taken at the Bowl.

It was a miserable attempt to cover up what we all knew deep down.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Almost the way I heard it, Bardog.

Does anyone remember these days?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."



(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

Kids on Getting to heaven
 

Got this from a friend today ...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

NO!" the children all answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD

Not in Texas!
 

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, New York, or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

ave you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenlystart labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!

Another Little Johnny Joke
 

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."




Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won't have worms."

Gotta be careful with a southern girl


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set
their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Maine. He bragged that he
had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said
that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any
results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a Mississippi girl. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a
little out of his left eye!

Obituary :(


NEWS ITEM

With all the sadness and trauma currently occuring in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person... a man whose passing went almost unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And that's when the trouble began.



:p

A patient says 2 his doctor, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Mickey Mouse was having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds - that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she was fucking goofy!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.

So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, "I'll grant you one wish . . . but i won't sleep with you."

Guy says, "Ok then, how 'bout a little head?"

Business Lesson
 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your stockholders in a timely fashion, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

You all know, in the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man.
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Business Lesson 2
 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now
what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So,
tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

Business Lesson 3
 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

I had a manager like that ^^^^^. :)

Business Lesson 4
 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

At the third household house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, led him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most amazing sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him, give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea."



and another:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


The response:

Dear Penis;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the
cab. The driver then said, "Please don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized
and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver
replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at
all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

LOL SS. That's funny!

How do you get a Unitarian family to leave town?

Burn a question mark on their front lawn.

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was
attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence,
wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's
neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident
and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the
headline:

"Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious
Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I
just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan
Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either
for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the
boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

peck,

Excellent! Thank you. I'll pass it along.




Why can't Episcopalians play chess well?


…they can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen.

The Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping
the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew out a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch! .
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,breaking
into a hundred pieces.


"Shit" said the hypnotist.



It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell
of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better!

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient Government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

My oh my and your funny too!

OMG that was precious!!!!

Marty wakes up with a huge hangover

He looks around the room and the first thing he sees is a glass of water and an aspirin on the night stand

He sits down and sees his clothes all clean and ready for him

He looks around the room and sees that it is spotless

As he walks to the kitchen he sees the rest of the house is in order and also spotless

He notices a note left by his wife "Honey breakfast is on the table, I've gone out shopping. Love you!"

Sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the newspaper waiting for him on the kitchen table. His son is also at the table eating.

Marty asks, "Son what happened last night?"

His son says "Well dad you came home after 3 drunk. Your puked in the hall, broke our furniture, and were falling all over."

Marty replies, "Well then why is the house so clean and breakfast on the table?"

His son says "Oh that, well mom dragged you to your room and took off your pants. And when she was pulling them off you were fighting her and you said,".....

"Leave me alone woman! I'm married!"




A self induced hangover $100

Broken furniture $200

Breakfast $10

Saying the right thing Priceless!!

Religous
 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS".