Top 10 things that sound dirty in the legal profession...
 

10.) Have you checked out her briefs?
9.) He is one hard judge!
8.) Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7.) His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.) Is it a penal offense?
5.) Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.) For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3.) Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.) The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1.) Think you can get me off?

Top 10 things that sound dirty in Golf...
 

10.) Nuts... My shaft is bent.
9.) After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8.) You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7.) Look at the size of his putter.
6.) Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5.) Mind if I join your threesome?
4.) Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3.) My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2.) Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
1.) Hold on... I need to wash my balls first!

word play
 

this one hit my inbox today... I had some chuckles because of it...
-NY

___________________
Word Play

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons

Well wrought puns. Had a chuckle or two myself.

Chinese Proverbs
 

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


:D :D :D

NY, great puns! A friend of mine passed this on a while back --- if you like word play, this is hilarious! BTW, Diva, loved the 'proverbs'!

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:

FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
ABDICATE (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
CARCINOMA (n.): a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent
NEGLIGENT (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp.
GARGOYLE (n.): an olive-flavored mouthwash.
BUSTARD (n.): a very rude Metrobus driver.
COFFEE (n.): a person who is coughed upon.
FLATULENCE (n.): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
TESTICLE (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
SEMANTICS (n.): pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
RECTITUDE (n.): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
MARIONETTES (n.): residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the
mayor.
OYSTER (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
CIRCUMVENT (n.): the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
FRISBATARIANISM (n.): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
And...
IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

That's it Sweetstuff, I'm jumping in my ROTFLMAO 2500 and puttin' the metal to the pedal and the thing to the floor!
That was to funny! ;)

[size=1]Diva's proverbs made me think of these...[/i]

BUMPER STICKERS:

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Ponderables....
 

I don't think I posted this one before... but it might already be here anyways... I'm rooting through my inbox (cleaning time) and came across this one...

-NY

_____________

1) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2) Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??

3) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one actually enjoys it??

4) There are 3 religious truths: 1-Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the Messiah, 2-Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith, 3-Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

5) Why do we say something is out of whack?? What's a whack??

6) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??

7) Why is the man who invests your money called a broker??

8) Why do croutons come in airtight packages?? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with??

9) If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked & dry cleaners depressed??

10) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

11) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men??

12) If American mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
& forks, ever wonder what Chinese mothers use?? Toothpicks??

13) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?? What are we supposed to do, write to them?? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail??

14) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for??

15) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!!

I don't mean any offense to anyone by this... See how many mangled lines you can recognize!

Excerpts from the Alabama Shakespeare Festival
________________________________________________

Ta shewt er nawt ta shewt, heck ain't that a doozy? Yee-HAW!

Billy Bob, Billy Bob, where y'all at, Billy Bob?

A gun rack, a gun rack, my double-wide for a gun rack!

Tamarra, tamarra, and tamarra...why, that's three days from now!

Alas, poor Bubba....him and me usta go huntin'.

The first thang we do is kill all the lawyers...and then them there revenuers.

Out, out, damned spot! Git yer sorry ass outside, dawg!

That which we call a beer would taste jest as good if'n we called it sumthin' else....

Full of sound and fury, don't mean shit.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd... can you imagine what size colander they'd need?

Aw, whut laht is that in that winder yunder? It's Juliet! She's on fahr!

Neether a deadbeat nor one'a them there loansharks be, for yeh kin kiss your cash goodbye 'long wit the deadbeat ya loaned it to, and bein' a deadbeat takes tha edge offa yer homesteadin'.

Get y'all to a nunnery. Yer already mah sister.

Once more, into the breach...cain't shewt if'n they ain't no bullets in it.

Hey there, whut light on yonder winder breaks? "It's jest the moon, Sis."

Now it's winter on dis continent, with a glorious hummer and a ton of pork.

"I kin call forth beasts from the vasty deep!" "Bulll-sheeit. So could I, but I don't see 'em comin' when yew call."

Alas, poor Yorick... damn varmint done kicked th' bucket!

Is this a dagger I see before me? Hell naw, It's just a cow.

What's a movable? A joint stool. Go milk the damn cow, Bubba.

Till Dunsinane come to Birmin'ham Wood, whereupon we all had fun drinkin beer and shewtin' possum.

What light thru that there winder breaks, it's my pick-up, and that's my deer spottin' light.

Double, double, tawl and trouble, fahr burn and stew-pot bubble.....in
them p'ison'd roadkill throw....

Sheeeit. You, too, Brutus? Then keel over, Caesar!

Et tu Billy bob?

I come not to praise Ceasar, but to bury the sum-beeitch.

Double, double, toil 'n' trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble,
goddammit, the still's overflowed again!

Ain't as wide as a church door, Nor deep as a well, but it sho' 'nuff
hurts like hell!

Sumpin's rotten in the state of Denmark...sheeit, sumpin in this fridge smells.

Art thou ma daddy's ghost? Hell, naw! He's just passed out on the couch again.

What's in a name? Hell, if'n I could read, I could tell y'all.

To be or not to be. Whut was the question again?

Romeo and Juliet: A family reunion.

A CURSE ON BOTH YOUR TRAILERS!!

Oh Hell
 

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.

The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "It's a cold day in hell, the Patriots must have won the Super Bowl!".

LoveDiva4u---Pantyfanatic doesn't agree with #11 on your list!
Irish
P.S.It's a good thing that I'm male.I ran out of fingers at 10 !

Bada Bing!
 

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.

So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!!"

Twelve Steps to Not Thinking
 

I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".

Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."

"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"

"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.