HERS / HIS


HER DIARY


Wednesday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY


Today the Cubs lost. At least I got laid.

Nookie Greene
 

A man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”
Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners, the priest thinks. Then, he tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”
Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest has to ask, “Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten Hail
Mary’s.” The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is
Nookie Green?

The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and way too short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, “Is that Nookie Green?” The altar boy’s eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

Woman’s Workout Week If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week, I am already planning to join!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT, it’s a whole new life for me!

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my arms hurt to bad to do it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving to the club was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not pull my leg up to brake. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.

Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me this would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to workout with the dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women’s room. He sent Lana (the

witch) to find me, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday:

I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body that could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a twinky. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel from the couch.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the rotten dog) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Nursery rhymes
 

Mary had a little skirt
With slits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked,
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
‘twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Said “Fuck him, he’s only an egg.”

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy puddin’ and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, ‘cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forget her pill
And now there’s little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Trick or Treat
 

10 Reasons Trick or Treat is better than SEX


10. You're guaranteed to get at least a
little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes
and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier
it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the
person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't
fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache,
it won't las t 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask,
no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear
you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want,
you can always go next door!! :D :D

Grandad
 

Grandfather advice:

This should reconfirm that the most important information in your life does not come from a teacher, the library, or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday date is coming up, and for
me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he gave! Much was wasted because I was young, but if he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said .

"Be sure you marry a woman with small hands. It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Safety First!
 

I was happy.

My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that I was soon to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome.
So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
come and get me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



Lesson learnt: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Football RULES!
 

The GAME might be different..... the IDEA'S the same!!! :D

Romance is NOT dead!
 

Heeheehee! :D :devil:

Early............. ?!?!
 

Hmm......

1st Date
 

D'you you remember YOU'RE first date???

(This sounds familiar to me! :()

Locks?
 

BE CAREFUL with your doors.........








.............or................








........... practice what you preach!!!








That's it, for tonight!

DM

OMG, DM ... those are terrific. :D :D

Not sure if this one has been posted before... but it gave me a laugh.
-Toast
_______________________

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the
part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter
of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which
reads:


Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Is it a bird,
 

Is it a 'plane.......?

Nope........