Be forewarned, the following is not politically correct by any stretch...

The following are the latest terror alerts throughout Europe:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves
have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

That's ^^^^^funny.

Subject: Eat to Live, Or Live to Eat ?



Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80, or more?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing in the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?"

Sign In A Store Window
 

dicksbro,

Good One! :)

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you ain't got the fifteen bucks, get the hell outta my cab !"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport ?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks." came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way ?"

"What ?!? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport ?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK." And off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

:rofl:

There are some nasty people in this world. Good one.

The Nagger

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?' Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give
him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had
assigned their new wives specific household duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was required to wash the dishes and clean the house. It
took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a
clean house with dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the house
cleaning, to wash the dishes, and to do all of the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but on the second day
he saw that the situation was getting better. By the third
day, he saw that the house was clean, the dishes were washed,
and there was a splendid dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from California. He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes
washed, the lawn mowed, the clothes laundered, and hot food on
the table for every meal. The first day he couldn't see
anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything. By the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could
see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me. So I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre. So I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

A cocky State Highway employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highway employee said, "I have the authority of the Government to go where I want. You see this card from Homeland Security? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on your farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out loud, "Show him your card, show him your card!!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will continue to fiddle with a coat hanger until long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know exactly what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will ventually say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repairman gets here and has to put it back together.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole programme looking for it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The honest answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you're feeling amorous afterwards.. ..then I'll certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... .like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I see flat-pack furniture as a challenge to have the greatest possible number of left over and unused components at the end. If the assembled furniture doesn't collapse within the hour, this is merely seen as a bonus.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I don't have to ask for directions. Unknown to women, the penis contains a magnetic homing device enabling men to know exactly where they are on the Earth's surface at all times. If we do get lost, it's because our wives have used too much girly fabric conditioner on our underwear, thereby blocking out the magnetic rays.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I can and will fart loudly and often. It's our way of marking our territory. If we didn't do it, burglars would come. You wouldn't want that, would you?

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Subject: FW: Dwarf Nuns



The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,
and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, slightly perplexed "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back now really concerned and says, "Your extreme holiness!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10
to 15 times a night?"

"Shit!" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."

"Dopey shagged a penguin!" :roflmao:

That one is absolutely great OF! :thumb: