The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.



The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



So to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.



The third through sixth floors .......


have never been visited!

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.


Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did before the next
race.

Sure enough, the priest stepped onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of them.


Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the day wore on, the priest continued blessing
horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew
his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the
ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the
horses.

Mitch bet every cent on the horse and lo and behold the horse ended
last, crossing the finish line so far behind the bunch and almost in a
state of dying.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you
blessed horses and they won.

The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you,
I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites!"

Do Elephants Really Have a Good Memory?

I don't usually like these heart-warming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
North-western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mike approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply imbedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with
his hunting knife. The elephant gingerly put down his foot..

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on
it's face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mike stood frozen, thinking about being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenaged sons.

As they approached the elephant closure, one of the elephants turned and
walked over to where Mike and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her
fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB



1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.



Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

:roflmao:

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.




"Then go fuck yourself!"

A Spanish teacher was explaining to the class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa", while "pencil" however, is masculine: "el lapiz".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers
from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?

This is for the moms with little boys.....
 

Ok I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I am the only one who would be using female products, Correct? Well a strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing. It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month (during that time), I go back to my cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure? I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfullness, but am really wondering now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and low and behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves! Now I am starting to freak...Dear God, What are they doing with them?!! I get a hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lavk of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet. I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says,

"Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND.....GO PLAY"

Lmao^^^^

In this life I'm a woman...

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When your a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a gilr bear, you birth your children (who ar the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup....gonna be a bear.

The Husband Shopping Center...(now at the local mall?)
 

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose--from among many men--a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading :"These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and one said to the other "Well that is better than not having jobs, or not loving kids but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: These men have high paying jobs, loves kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm, " says one of the girls, " But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign read: " These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the house work."

"Wow!" said one of the girls, "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up.

The forth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romatic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," says one friend, " but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the fifth floor they go--and the sign on that door reads: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Ruth, in the passengers seat, thought to herself, " I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through. This time, Ruth was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they blew right through it. She turned to the driver and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, " Oh shit! Am I driving?"

Lol