But she's not what she's quacked up to be.

Should of seen Puddle's comming. LOL

Did she make a splash?

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

NOW THIS IS DRUNK:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting!

NEVER tell a woman she can't cook!
 

As if!!

Sometimes, sorry ISN'T the hardest word....
 

The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating.
2nd is his hilarious reply which was forwarded to HIS entire address
book and is now circulating everywhere.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I
would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us
had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you
being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly
words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
that you see me as a different person. It is weird, The world looked
funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are
songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if
you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect
that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I
hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back
what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

******************************************

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm
not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a
public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to
think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean
slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny"
to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24
hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think
you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the
mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your
average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,

Brad


Heeheehee

DM

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Damn well done, who-ever you are, Brad.

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
> kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
> grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
> note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
> need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
> big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
> She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
> to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
> to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
> as she had instructed.
> Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
> cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Sex with a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker),
confided to her coworkers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State ;


1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you,
they have a tree down there called a Mesquite
and when they slow cook that brisket
over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. ?
The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo.
Talk about athletes...
those guys wrestle full grown bulls!
They ride horses at a full gallop,
then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns
and throw them to the ground!
It is just incredible!"
They then asked,,

"Well, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? ?
When I saw the outline of the condom
they carry in the back pocket of their jeans,
I changed my mind!" ?

There was a family gathering, with a number of generations around the table. The teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excused himself to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all down the front.

"What happened, Grandpa?", he was asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answered, "I don't really know...I had to go to the bathroom...so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

Oops.
 

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Hmmmmm
 

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."