Had a visit just yesterday. Maybe I should've given this a try.

It's tempting.

The WalMart Greeter
 

A very loud, unattractive, unkempt, angry woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them and jerking them around all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say to him, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid,"' replied the gr eeter, never losing his calm demeanor. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

A blond in Starbucks
 

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...




(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)










"W I N A B A G E L"

See what 100 years does ...
 

THE YEAR 1907

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1907. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, (Attention IowaMan!) Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average wage in the US. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist made $2,500 per year,
A veterinarian $1,500 per year,
And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people :yikes: from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Now you could send an email with this in it all over the United States and possibly the world, in a matter of just Seconds!!!

Just Try to imagine ... what it may be like in another 100 years !!! IT STAGGERS THE MIND !!!

Scots - wha' hey!
 

Who said Scots romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column.


Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 3/41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

DM

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

>>

>> A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant

>> operated by a fellow cannibal.

>>

>> Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

>>

>> + Broiled Missionary: $10.00

>> + Fried Explorer: $15.00

>> + Grilled Republican: $20.00

>> + Baked Democrat: $100.00

>>

>> The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price

>> difference for the Democrat?'

>>

>> The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

>>

>> They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" :D

>>>Oil Change instructions for Women:
> >>>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> >>>the last oil change.
> >>>2) Drink a cup of coffee
> >>>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> >>>maintained vehicle.
> >>>Money spent:
> >>>Oil Change: $20.00
> >>>Coffee: $1.00
> >>>Total: $21.00
> >>>
> >>>Oil Change instructions for Men :
> >>>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
of
> >>>oil, filter, kitty litter , hand cleaner and a scented tree, write
> >>>a check for $50.00.
> >>>2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive
>home.
> >>>3) Open a beer and drink it.
> >>>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> >>>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> >>>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> >>>7) Place drain pan under engine.
> >>>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> >>>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> >>>1 0) Unscrew drain plug.
> >>>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> >>>process. Cuss.
> >>>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> >>>Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> >>>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> >>>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> >>>15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> >>>filter and twist off.
> >>>16 Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> >>>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter in trash can
> >>>to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> >>>17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> >>>to gasket surface.
> >>>18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> >>>19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
> >>>20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> >>>21) Drink beer.
> >>>22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> >>>Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> >>>23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
> >>>24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> >>>oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench
> >>>tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
> >>>excess skin between knuckles a nd frame.
> >>>25) Begin cussing fit.
> >>>26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> >>>27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling
trophy.
> >>>28) Beer.
> >>>29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> >>>30) Beer.
> >>>31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> >>>32) Beer.
> >>>33) Lower car from jack stands.
> >>>34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> >>>during any missed steps.
> >>>35) Beer.
> >>>36) Test drive car.
> >>>37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> >>>38) Car gets impounded.
> >>>39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> >>>40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >>>
> >>>Money spent:
> >>>Parts: $50.0 0
> >>>DUI: $2500.00
> >>>Impound fee: $75.00
> >>>Bail: $1500.00
> >>>Beer: $20.00
> >>>Total: $4,145.00
> >>>But you know the job was done right!
> >

That's not quite fair to us guys Soda. Beer doesn't cost $20/case. :rofl:

Maybe not............but it was funny. :D

Besides, who said we could do it with just one case of beer anyway. :shrug:


:D

Call Centers
 

Got this in an email and thought it was cute ...

-----

Customer: "I've been ringing 700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RACE Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure..."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ####@@& stupid to own a computer.

Attention Pixie Men
 

I can't remember if this has been posted before or not ... but ... as a public service to the guys at Pixies I offer it again ...

These are words women use that men need to understand!

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men . A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying screw you.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

:D good ones DB. Gotta say the one about the call centers hit pretty close to home. Experienced many calls of the kind while a manager at one for a credit card company. Yep, the customer is always right. :rofl: