Because I am a Man...
 

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI guys - cumin is a spice)
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

WW III
 

George W Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

"The barman says, "Yep, that's them,"

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

"Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen? "

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time, and one blonde with big breasts.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, Smart-ass?! I told you no one would worry about 140 million Iraqis!"

Arrested at Kennedy
 

Arrested at Kennedy Airport Today

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y" and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

*GROANS*

They're so bad, they're Good!! :)

DM

The Boss
 

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

Times When Saying Fuck is Appropriate




"Any fucking idiot could understand that!" - Einstein


"It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso


"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras


"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo


"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc


"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J.F.K.


"Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

Signs He Wants to Get Laid



Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.

When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

He whispers,"you're beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."

When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

Aussie D.I.Y.?!
 

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Gruesomely Bad!! :)
 

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

Don't Lie to Your Mother
 

Mrs. Jenkins came to visit her son Anthony, who lived with a female roommate Vikki, and had dinner with them.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:


"I don't fink my pyfhon weally kaers.

Best Think These Things Through

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Drink, anyone?
 

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says,





"So, how did you like it? It's called Blow Job's Revenge!"

Who'd have a parrot?
 

A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking.

The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.

The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase.

"Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said,
"Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."

Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."

At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"

Self-destruct?
 

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed,
"Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker,
"You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Oldie but goodie?!?!
 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies,
"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds,
"No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

The Irish Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my ownself." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

LMFAO~ Ty Bardog

Alaskan Christmas Party



Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the
stress and general rat race.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month, otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00...

"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said,"Gotta warn ya...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! ."

Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some
wild sex, too."

Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the dea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna
be the two of us.

Just checkin'?!
 

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed
"What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied,

"Always check for squirrels."

OMG, DM. ROTFLMAO.

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Pussy Love?
 

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly,
"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone
"Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts........








.........(now, you KNOW what's comin', don't ya?)........














.........nearly there............




















"Clumsy bitch."

OMG jseal and DM ... I'd duck if the ladies are reading these.

LMAO. :D

T'weren't ME mister......... t'was HIM!!! *points at jseal!!*

DM :D

Dudes,

I see myself as a victim! No, wait, I'm misunderstood! Yeah. That's it.


It is just a misunderstanding.

Who's first???:spank: for all of you^^^...even if you weren't involved...I have a feeling you will earn it eventually:D:D:p

I'D like to volunteer............

























jseal!! :)

DM

Dawgs....don't ya love 'em?
 

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs.


The first man said
"My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!"
and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.


Not to be outdone, the second man said
"Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this."

With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.


The third man smiled and said
"Well my dog's called Ironworker".

He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot.

"Now" he continued,

"all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

“Alright. I’ll take my medicine like a man.” he said with a calm voice, looking Lilith square in the eye.

.
.
.





















.
.
.
“But promise you’ll first slather me with mayonnaise and wrap me in plastic wrap!”

Purity?!
 

There was a man who wanted a pure wife.

So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.

When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks
"What's this?"

She replies,
"A cock."

He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies
"A cock".

He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.

He whips it out and asks,
"What is this?"

She giggles and says
"A pee-pee."

He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says,
"That's your pee-pee."

He finally breaks down and says
"Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says....

"No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black!"

Ermmmmm.....
 

Just goes to show ya......


... a BIG dick isn't ALL it's cracked up to be!! ;)

DM

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"


The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said,
"Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."


The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."


The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"


(Sorry..... but it's NOT mine!! :))

dm383,

Oh SURE it's not yours! I suppose that when Lilith sees THIS you'll volunteer ME again!

Sure...... why not?!?! :D

DM
















(kidding..... I wouldn't do that to you AGAIN...... I'll blame PantyFanatic this time!! :):) )

dm383,

Oh. Well.

In that case...











Good One!

Blondes AND Wal-mart.......oops!
 

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she would wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck. Sure enough, a snow plow soon passed by, and she started to follow it.


After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.


The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Target next.



(True to my word....... this one's all PF's fault!! :D)

Racist, non-PC.. but funny, all the same!!
 

Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum,
sat down next to him. Paddy politely ignored the englishman
who nevertheless started up a conversation.

The Englishman snapped his gum and said
"Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"

Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied
"Of course".

The Englishman blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In England we only eat whats inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants
and sell them to Ireland".

The Englishman had a smirk on his face. Paddy listened in silence.

The Englishman persisted.
"Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, Paddy replied
"Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said,
"We don't. In England we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."

Paddy then asked "Do you have sex in England?"

The Englishman smiled and said,
"Why of course we do."

Paddy leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course."

Now it was Paddys turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England.






Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?!!"

Dizzy?
 

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says.

"My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"Well, you see Doc, it's this; every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.........."

An 80 year-old man who was an avid golfer moved to a
new town and joined the local country club. He went to
the club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't
anybody he could play with because they were already out
on the course. He repeated several times that he really
wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would
play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for
a bet. The 80 year-old said,”I really don't need any strokes
as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem is
getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had
a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a
par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot
landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the
bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled
into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked
over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in
the trap. He said,”Nice shot, but I thought you said you have
a problem getting out of sand traps?" "I do," replied the old man.
"Please give me a hand."