Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger trailer. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> "4"
>
> "5"
>
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

(If I failed to offend anyone, my apologies)

He said..She said
 

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9)She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea..you stand by the ironing Board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, if you get home before I do, leave hallway
Light on

. . . . . . . and the number 1 "He said...She said". . . . . . .

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there. :D :D :D

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his mind's desire. Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it. Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth. Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked the queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.

Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact he shooed him away. Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor. But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

Next day Birbal duly put that lotion in emperor Akbar underwear"!!!!

Ahmed was called promptly by the emperor again.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied,

"You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

One more...
 

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife.

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to earn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.
Your Husband

When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife

Aviation
 

A pilot said to a hostie ,"You've got to help me, I'm going out

of my mind! I haven't had sex since 1958.""

Hostie says, "Oooh, let me help you."

After passionate sex, he gets up to leave.

"Shit," he says "I'm late!! It's 2230."

Politically correct.
 

Q How does a Priest get a Nun pregnant?































A. Pretends she's an Altar Boy.

Confession is good for the soul?
 

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.

So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

A nun dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question.

"What," asks St. Peter," were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

Q- Why don't single women pass wind {f--t]

A- it's because they don't get an a---hole untill they get married

Did you hear about the two pregnant nuns singing
Bennidictus

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought... I don't fucking think so.....

For Jim,
Re History "FUCK"

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.

English Eighteenth Century Crime.?


Did you hear about the Dyslectic ? Agnostic Insomniac that
was awake all night wondering if there was a really was a dog

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Nun
 

Ancient Nun, about to go to God, is asked by her Sisters

who, if she had the chance, she would like to be.

She thought for a long time and said, in a quiet voice,

"Sarah Pippelini".

The Sisters had no idea, and asked her who Sarah was.

She showed them the local Newspaper.

The Sisters broke into laughter.

The headline read "Sahara Pipeline laid by 20,000 workers

in 17 days."

Top 10 things that sound dirty...
 

10.) Mind if I use your laptop?
9.) Just stick it in my box.
8.) You're getting too soft.
7.) If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6.) I want it on my desk, NOW!
5.) Hmmmmmmm.... I think it's out of fluid!
4.) Her equipment is so old, the end result is always unsatisfactory.
3.) It's an entry-level position.
2.) When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1.) It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there...