Where'd it go?
 

Hmm.....

God LOVES a trier!!

Never hear of smudge-free?

"I ca.'t tal' ho'hully..."

Last one for now
 

I always thought of puppies as something WOMEN have.. ho hum!

Brrr!!!
 

2 polarbears are walking around in the arctic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says,
" Dad, I got a question, are you sure I am 100% polarbear?".
The father looks at his son and says,
"Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says.

They keep walking and about 20 minutes later the son again says:
"Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?"

The father again says,
"Yes son, you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says.

Then about 30 minutes later, the son says,
"OK dad, be serious; are you sure I am 100% polarbear? Are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bear in me??"

"Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?"

The son says,
"Well I dont know about you, but I am fuckin' freezing!"

From the Oldies But Goodies Department:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroids.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes: Whack, "Damn!" A Bad Skydiver Goes: "Damn!" Whack.

Who said mules were dumb?
 

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She
hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
> (You're gonna love this) !
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "W I N A B A G E L"

Nobody Believes Old People.... Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money,
and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got
to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"

She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the
attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit
the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story
from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here

Magical Frog

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The woman freed the frog and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-thatwhatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!'

The woman said, 'That would be okay,' and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.'The woman replied, 'That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.' So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.' So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'









Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with us!!!:D

Plaid Dildo
 

A guy got his first job and it happened to be in a sexual aid
shop. One night his boss had to leave for an hour. A short
while later a white lady walked in, and after looking around
asked him, "How much for the black dildo?"

"For you," he replied, "$19.99."

"Great," she said, paid and left.

A short while later a black lady walked in and after looking
around said, "How much for the white dildo?"

"For you," he replied, "$29.99."

"Great," she said, paid and left.

Again, a while later a Polish lady walked in and after looking
around asked, "How much for the 'plaid' dildo?"

"Plaid dildo?" he asked.

"Yes," she responded, "the one at the back of the store there."

"Oh, the PLAID dildo... for you, $39.99"

She happily paid and left.

His boss returned and asked how it went. He replied, "Well, I
sold a white lady a black dildo for $19.99, a black lady a
white dildo for $29.99, and I sold a Polish lady your thermos for
$39.99."

Who's the Best Man now?
 

A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.
Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too.
And a third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.
A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the Judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "He broke three of my fingers!"

Like I said..... who?
 

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the husband's best friend was dead on their porch.