What Do You Do?
 

What do you do in case of fallout?





Put it back in and take shorter strokes... :faint:

On an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston
 

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish accent, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

:roflmao: Love it! :roflmao:

Murphy's Other 14 Laws
 

MURPHY'S OTHER 14 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it for the other foot.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

High School Reunion
 

HS Reunion*

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
*
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
*
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.*
*
Wife turns to her husband and says,
"See that guy?* 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."*
*
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
*

Why studying is better than sex-1
 

Why studying is better than sex-1

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don`t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don`t finish a chapter you won`t gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don`t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don`t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren`t sure what you`re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

:roflmao: I like Eugene's answer. :roflmao:

Why Men Wear Earrings
 

Did You Ever Wonder Why Earrings Became So Popular With Men?



A Man Is At Work One Day When He Notices His Co-worker Is Wearing An Earring.

The Man Knows His Co-worker To Be A Normally A Conservative Fellow And
Is Curious About His Sudden Change In "fashion Sense."

The Man Walks Up To Him And Says, "i Didn't Know You Were Into Earrings."

"don't Make Such A Big Deal, It's Only An Earring," He Replies Sheepishly.

His Friend Falls Silent For A Few Minutes, But Then His Curiosity
Prods Him To Ask, "so, How Long Have You Been Wearing One?"

"ever Since My Wife Found It In My Truck."

I Always Wondered How This Trend Got Started :)

So that's how it happened. :roflmao:

The Difference Is ...
 

What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? :confused:

A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children. :)

A 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. :yikes:

Important examination for us guys > 60.............
 

EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds

If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S








Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? :nod:

The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's Disease.

You are a pervert. :D

Sex After Death
 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Nancy, Nancy?”

"Is that you, Ray?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.*


Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course.*⛳️*


Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

"Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?"

“No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."* :faint:

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know. :nod:

Hmmmm. Sounds llike a logical decision to me. What other choice could he have made. :roflmao:

Personal Motto
 

Personal Mottos

Don't remember if this has been posted before or not, but, it's cute so here it goes (again?)!


A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Hollywood Squares
 

THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM** WAS "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"* IT WAS GREAT.

These are some classics from that program . Got these from a friend.

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now!


Q .. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough..


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you** think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and
ask him if he's married?

A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

:roflmao:

^^^^ Youngster. :roflmao:

(Me too! :D )

Christmas One Liners
 

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them. :roflmao:

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?
It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS :faint:

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis!

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. :undies:

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. :yikes:

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa

Who doesn't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole :yikes:

Not another blonde joke ...
 

Bob walked into the bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,*"You know, I reckon he'll jump."* The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.

The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money". I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Bob took the money.

Drinking and Golf
 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
*
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked
*
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf*in 20 years!"
*
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
*
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?*
*
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

^---- :roflmao:

Good to see you, my friend. Been a while. Place just isn't the same without you around.

The Husband Store
 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A Nun Grading Kids Papers
 

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Number 25 really takes the cake!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

^^^^ :yikes: Who is this stranger in our midst? He looks familiar but it's been so long! He even missed his special day. :faint:

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY FRIEND!! :wave:

Golfing Accident
 

Two ladies were having a round of golf when they came up behind a foursome of males. Thinking they were far enough away, they decided to hit their tee shots. The first lady's shot was well shy of the foursome so the second lady took her tee shot. It sailed further and struck one of the males in the groin area. He fell to the ground holding his groin in his hand.

The lady ran up to him and apologized for the accident. She said, "I'm a trained physical therapist and I'll be happy to rub you to help reduce the pain."

The man at first replied he was okay but the lady persisted. "Let me help, please." With that she reached down and undid his trousers, pulled down his shorts and began to gently massage his member. After several minutes, she stopped and asked, "How does that feel, sir."

"Very good," he said, "but I still think my thumb is broke."

:yikes:

Grandparents
 

Irish sent these to me and they are terrific!

Subject: Grandparents on Grandchildren...

1. I, grandma, was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. :nod:

More kids stories ... LOL!
 

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone...
It was the minister calling,
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, She's hitting the bottle. '



MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'



POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'
It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?



ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)



SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

More nudity (4) :roflmao:

The Burglar
 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

The Gay Cowboy
 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

That's okay ... I didn't see that one coming either.

God's Plan for Aging
 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they'd have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need.

In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they'd drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older.

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom

One for DB
 

Here you go:

Humor in the South
 

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.."

Louisiana

A Louisiana State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-10. Walking up to the driver's window,

the trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Tennessee

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Cute Jokes
 

PairedLife»Love

25 Favorite Quotes on Sex, Love, and Marriage

https://pairedlife.com/love/Sex-Lov...age-Men-Women-2

We're all interested in it, we all talk about it, we all feel awkward at times about it.... why not laugh about it? Here's some of my favorite quotations about sex and love.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. -- George Carliin

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. -- Albert Einstein

I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading -- Anonymous

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker -- Woody Allen

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.—Billy Crystal

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always –- Rita Rudner

A man's only as old as the woman he feels – Groucho Marx

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. – Gore Vidal

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own -- Woody Allen

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. --- Shirley MacLaine

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands --Jacques Languirand

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.— Mae West

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.--- Richard Lewis

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. – Ben Franklin

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress – Steve Martin

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed – George Burns

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. – Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. – Roseanne Barr

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on – Marilyn Monroe

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.-- Mignon McLaughlin

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. ---Charles M Schulz

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." :nod: