Sad.

OMG. :roflmao:

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
>>consummate
>>their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
>>confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
>>
>>The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
>>
>>The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
>>
>>"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
>>
>>"Tiger Woods."
>>
>>"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
>>
>>"Yeah."
>>
>>"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
>>with him."
>>
>>The husband and wife then make passionate love.
>>
>>When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
>>
>>"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
>>
>>The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get
>>something to eat."
>>
>>"Tiger wouldn't do that."
>>
>>"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
>>
>>"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
>>
>>The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
>>second time.
>>
>>When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are
>>you doing?" she asks.
>>
>>The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service
>>to get something to eat."
>>
>>"Tiger wouldn't do that."
>>
>>"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
>>
>>"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
>>
>>The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more
>>time.
>>
>>When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
>>phone
>>and starts to dial.
>>
>>The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
>>
>>"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this
damn
>>hole."
>>

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation.


They got drunk, and woke up in jail only to find that they are to be executed
in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.


The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her!


The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her!


The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now...





y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

Omg!!!!

Oil Crisis
 

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington,DC !!!
Any Questions ???

:rofl: How very true.

A new, "You know you're a redneck when ... "
 

"You know you're a redneck when...... "


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a! custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

^^^^ :roflmao:

Florida State Trooper
 

A Florida State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper (after being told to remain in the car). The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Troopers ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship Mouth and Rowboat Ass".

The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he gets done with printing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses , gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Trooper. Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Trooper: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, Trooper?

Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Trooper: "Yes Sir?"

Attorney: "Trooper, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Trooper: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

Well put.

Lol

Just got a paper pile with "Wit and wisdom from Military Manuals".

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not your friend."

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"Try to look unimportant, they may be running low on ammo."