:nod:

A Priest and a Rabbi
 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your

church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

:D Love it! :D

Why Teacher's Drink
 

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ?????***** *
*
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
*
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
*
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
*
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
*
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs * (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
*
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
*
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery * (So true)
*
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
*
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
*
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow * (Simple, but brilliant)
*
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U * (wtf!)
*
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
*
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
*
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. * (That would work)
*
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
*
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
*
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.** (Irrefutable)
*
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight * (brilliant)
*
AND THE BEST IS LAST:::
*
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. * (now we’re getting somewhere)
*
*
OMG!...... Our society is doomed!

Sent to me by my brother-in-law.

:rofl:

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

“I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

:roflmao: Now that's a good one! :roflmao:

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon
Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive
holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband
must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this
property."

The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."

Yuk yuk yuk. Lol :wine:

A paper route!! :roflmao: ^^^^^

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertible in front waving their arms about having an argument of some sort.

Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"What's that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies, "Its a bug."

Then she says, "Wow! That bug sure has a big cock!" :faint:

:rofl:

Things only a woman can understand ...
 

10. Why it`s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!

How Men Can Make Women Happy!
 

How men can make women happy - the point system

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don`t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that`s the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

ON HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it`s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it`s all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It`s called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn`t matter, you have one too": -800

COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

THE BIG QUESTION -- SHE ASKS YOU "DO I LOOK FAT?"

You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20

There, guys ... now you know. :shrug:

We Met At The Bar
 

We Met at the Bar
**
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me* I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too.* Are you federal or state?”

A Damn Fine Explanation
 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said .............

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? :o

Excellent! :thumbs:

:roflmao: Great one, PF!

Blonde in a porno shop
 

A blonde walks into a porno shop:

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm... .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

:roflmao:

Irish Confession
 

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side.” :irish:

:roflmao:

Henry
 

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry...

OH YAH!!! :roflmao:
That's one just may be one to keep in mind. ;)

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.) :nod:

:roflmao: Love it!

Not another blonde joke ...
 

She Was Soooooo Blonde

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money!

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

Married 55 Years and ...
 

After being married for 55 years this month, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm* sleeping with a 77-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

:yikes:

:rofl: truer than we want to talk about.

Condoms
 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

Blondes sometimes win ... :yikes:
 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

Blondes sometimes win ... :yikes:
 

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a
call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the
work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.*

Helloooo! just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him* just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...

... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Well, it's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.*** I bet he felt like an idiot.

Estate Planning
 

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his
sickly father died.


Tom wanted two things: To learn how to invest his inheritance; to find
a wife to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may
look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars."Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.



Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at estate planning than men. :)

^^^^ :roflmao:

Soviet Scientist
 

A Soviet scientist came to England for a visit. On the evening of his first day in England, he went to a restaurant. A waiter approached him and said, “Sir, here is a note for you.”

“From whom?”

“The table at the window.”

“But there’s nobody at that table.”

“Right. They gave me this note and left.”

The note was in English. “Translate it,” the guest said. The waiter read the note, his face became pale and he said, “Sir, it’s an ultimatum. You have just five minutes to leave. Please, leave at once.”

The scientist paid hastily and left. He returned to his hotel and asked the man at the front desk to translate for him the note. The man read it, his face displayed fear, and he said, “Please, Sir, you must leave our hotel at once! Hurry, please!”

The scientist hurriedly collected his belongings and left. In the street, he approached a bobby and asked to translate the note. The policeman read it, opened his mouth, and then said, “I am sorry, Sir, you must leave England immediately. Please, don’t argue, you have just a few hours to leave the country.”

Frightened, the scientist rushed to the nearest port, purchased a ticket, and boarded a ship bound for Russia.

When in the open sea, he made acquaintance with the captain who knew English. The scientist showed the note and asked to translate it. The Captain became pale. He changed the course of the ship, headed to an uninhabited island and told the scientist to leave the ship at once.

On the island, the scientist encountered numerous hardships, and barely survived until, three years later, another ship came by accident and took him aboard. He returned to Leningrad, where he enrolled in the University to study English. After a while, already capable of understanding English, he remembered about the mysterious note, and found it on the bottom of a drawer. All characters on the note turned out to be obliterated by rain.

Ivanov
 

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

“Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?”

“Yes, I do a little.”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?”

“If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking.”

“Do you drink?”

“Yes, a little.”

“Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness.”

“Then I shall cease drinking.”

“Comrade Ivanov, what about women?”

“A little….”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?”

“If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer.”

“Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?”

“Of course. Who needs such a life?”

HA HA ^^^ :rofl:
but........... I have to come back to the Soviet Scientist. :confused:

God works in mysterious ways . . . .
 

When God sends help, don't ask questions.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."


She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.


She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man."

"I just got out of prison last week; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?! :D

A professional!! I love it! PF, you have a great day!

40-Year Old Men and Women
 

What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?

A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.