:roflmao:

Noah Today
 

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving powerlines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up i wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

ROFLMAO :roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao:

How Old Guys Pick Up Women
 

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges .....

But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought ..... "Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money ! !"

Kids on Marriage
 

I thought these were cute ...

1.* HOW* DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO** MARRY?*** (written by kids)***

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.* *
--* Alan, age 10*

-*No* person really decides before they grow up who they're* going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.* *
--* Kristen, age* 10****
*
2.***WHAT IS* THE RIGHT AGE TO GET** MARRIED?****
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.**
--** Camille, age 10**
*
3.** HOW CAN A* STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE** MARRIED?****
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be* yelling at the same kids.*
--* Derrick, age* 8****
*
4.***WHAT DO* YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN* COMMON?***
Both don't want any more kids.*** *
--* Lori,* age 8****
*
5.***WHAT DO* MOST PEOPLE DO ON A* DATE?****
-Dates are for having fun, and people* should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.* *
--** Lynnette, age* 8*** *(isn't* she a treasure)*

-On* the first date, they just tell each other lies and that* usually gets them interested enough to go for a second* date.**
--* Martin, age* 10****
*
6.***WHEN IS* IT OKAY TO KISS** SOMEONE?*** *
-When they're rich.* *
--* Pam, age* 7*

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to* mess with that.**
-* - Curt, age** 7
*
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. * *
-* - Howard,* age 8****
*
7.*** *IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?****
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.**
--* Anita, age 9*** (bless you child )**
*
8.***HOW* WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE* DIDN'T* GET* MARRIED?*** *
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?**
--* Kelvin, age 8****

And the #1 Favorite is*........****
*
9.***HOW* WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE** WORK?*** *
*
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like* a dump truck.
--* Ricky, age* 10**

:D

The #1 favorite :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

#8 was one of my favorites. :D

The Lone Ranger's Last Request
 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests, what is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before to the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he' impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. He again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents. But I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye, and says, "READ MY LIPS!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... BRING POSSE :argue: "

:roflmao: That's hilarious! :roflmao:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?" :wobbly:

Sly devil using the old Oxygen Mask routine. :roflmao:

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas! :D

West Virginia Girl
 

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA.

But her father said ` No Way! You`re going to By-God West Virginia Univ.`

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to, a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence.

Her father said ` I`ll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you`re marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.` So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned.

Dad said ` Where is your sister?`

They replied ` We were almost there Daddy and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read `Clarence 13`6`` so we turned around and got the hell out of there.`

:faint:

Gynecologist Assistant Job Opening
 

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now." :eek:

I knew I should have bought that condo in Billings. Rats. :(

"You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me"
 

For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase. Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin’ me.' :eek:

Pretty sharp madam! :roflmao:

Firm This Up
 

Firm THIS Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."

High School Reunion
 

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
*
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.* *
*
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?* 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. *
*
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!" *

Last Minute
 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Too true. LOL

Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.

'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.

'Why's that Mick?' responds Paddy.

'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?'

'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'

'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my lovely sister all the time.'

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'

'I'm sorry sir, I...........'

'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.

Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'

Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up.

'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.'

Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.

'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.

'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.

:faint:

Irish Humor
 

What did our parents do when they were bored with no internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either!





(I bet that one got a rise out of you guys!) :roflmao:

Yep.

Assaulted
 

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted.

The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"

She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"

Well," she said. "I didn`t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

:yikes:

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Toronto.


They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.


The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.


The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.


The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me , but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in." :yikes:

^^^^ See, good reasons are possible for just about anything. :)

Prison Escapee
 

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While
tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you,
too!"
:kissass:

:yikes:

:roflmao:

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with
groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked
sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

:)

:roflmao: It is disgusting when someone does that, isn't it?

3 Dogs At The Vet
 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Lab and asked, "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said

The Black Lab turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

rofl :thumbs:

I love it, too. :roflmao:

It's a dog's life.

That is so bad. :cheers: