Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim"..
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.*** When I was a child I thought "Nap
Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I
can't remember their names.

Good points DB, but why did you post that on the 'Jokes' page? :confused:

Would a fitting reply be ... I forget? :confused:

:D

The next time negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade …
 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I've heard of that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

:roflmao:

:rofl:

jseal..... good one .... lol

Thanks!

Paraprosdokians
 

A paraprosdokian - is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:** (Some familiar ones, but lots of new ones, too!)


1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

7. Take my advice — I'm not using it.

8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

19. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

22. Money is the root of all wealth.

23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

THE PREACHER AND THE MUSIC DIRECTOR

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song, "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

:yikes:

The Wedding Test
 

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

The Moral of the Story Is?
 

Moral of the Story is?

Okay, for my third joke of the day ...


Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly.

Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it.

There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine.

There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GET WET!!!

:roflmao:

Phyllis Diller Quotes
 

Phyllis Diller Quotes

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.*
*
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?*
*
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.*-

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
*
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.*

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.*
*
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.*

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.*
*
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.**
*
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.*

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.*

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.*
*
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.*
*
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -* keep away from children.*

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.*

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

A Bad Day
 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
*
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
*
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.* I can't stand to see a man crying."
*
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.* I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
*
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!* But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Give that biker a Darwin Award!

We don't want him here in Darwin, jseal.

... and you'll for sure not get him.:)

:)

What Do You See?
 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged His faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent." :yikes:

In a train from London to Manchester ...
 

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me ... I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

Children's Thoughts on Grandparents
 

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful
eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I
applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But
Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye....

2.* My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72.* My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." *The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I
really think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says
I'm 4 to 6." *(WOW!* I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" *"It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. *"Sure," said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get
her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks
and they blame their dog.

Male Logic
 

Subject: Male logic

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.* In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a*step-up*interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?

I like ^ it. :rofl:

Me too.

A couple was recently married and happy about the whole thing!
 

He was happy about the hole.

She was happy about the thing..

:shrug:

Old couple interview
 

The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman. .. .. DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?

The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied:

NO. .. .. STATE FARM.

:faint:

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
 

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"It's on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

They continue on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

That’s him, lying there in Aisle 5....

Ain't It The Truth
 

I was evicted from my ranch today due to bankruptcy.
I put up a good fight, but in the end I was deranged.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

I was at the store late the other night. When it was time to pay for groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security going too far, I did just as instructed. When the shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I learned that the cashier was referring to my credit card.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww :faint:

















:rofl:

Sounds like the Paris River Swimming Club. An in-Seine exercise.

How did he put it ...

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww :faint:

Something like that anyway.

:roflmao:

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" :vamp:

The meeting never really got back to order.

LOL! :roflmao:

Personal Mottos
 

Personal Mottos

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I fuck you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...
OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

(Some of this sounds familiar and so it may have been posted before.
Anyway, I thought it was cute enough to use again. :shrug: )

Truths that apply every day are always to see. :thumb:


:rofl:

I especially liked this one ... Earth is full. Go home.

Special for the ladies ...
 

There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines.

One sign said: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE."

That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity.

The second sign read: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." Underneath the sign stood one man.

He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, "What's the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line."

The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here." :faint:

Check Out Line
 

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

:yikes:

3 Blondes
 

There are 3 blondes still in the mothers womb. one day they were thinking what they would do when they grow up.

The first blonde thinks hard and says that she wants to be an electrician to get some damn light in here.

The second blonde thinks just as hard and says that she wants to become a plumber to get rid of the water in here.

The third thinks real hard and finally says that she wants to be an exerminator.

The other 2 looked at her like she was crazy and had to ask, "WHY?"

"So i can kill that dang beaver that keeps sticking its head in here!.

Racial Profiling
 

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick" :whack: