1125.....

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman - "I froze to death."

Second woman - "You froze to death - how horrible!"

First woman - "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?"

Second woman - "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman - "So what happened?"

Second woman - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere,
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
a heart attack and died."

First woman - "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both
sill be alive."

Umm, I'm Lost too.. where where am I?
#1127? oh, right

1128
just getting here but please no housework

Inwas so lost I didnt even see ya there Lilith
1129

1130..

CHILD BIRTH.....

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch

1131 now.... oh wait, thats the number, not the time, lol

1132

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"

"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."

"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

1133... not sure if any of these are really Andy Rooney, but at least they sound good :)

1134 -- Andy Rooney On Prisons

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles . I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

1135 -- Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

1136 -- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

1138 -- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

1139 -- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".