Adding a quart of oil
 

The sad part is that it looks like she's done that before. I dearly hope that it's a set-up.

Maybe she was just washing the engine. :faint:

Booze On An Airplane
 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

^^^^ I love it!

Sure and begorrah, I understand that. :irish:

I'm a "try both and see which one I'd prefer" kind of guy.

Some Little Known Greek History
 

Sharing some new trivia knowledge mixed with Greek history...


2,500 years ago a slave girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa’-me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days the athletes performed naked (believe it or not).


To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.


At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:


“Oh! Limp pricks!”


Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into “Olympics”. Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.

LOL! I learn something new every day. :rolleyes:

When I was young in the 1960's, I decided I wanted to a be
doctor so I took the entrance exam
to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters PNEIS
into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when
erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.
The rest of us are posting jokes here at Pixies. :(

:roflmao: ^^^^ :roflmao:

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer, the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Now wait." responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."

The sailor responds, "Point taken."

The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"

The sailor counters with "But we had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality, he says, "The Navy invented sex!"

The Marine replies, "Granted, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women!"

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?" :p

Woot! :thumbs:

Love it, PF! :roflmao:

A mom and her daughter ...
 

A mom revealed a conversation she had with her daughter.

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and then her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

:rofl:

Fertilized Eggs
 

Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Madeline' s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken, no yoke!

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now", and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, And pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. but I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys.

LOL! Love it! :D

Points to Ponder
 

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ... not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Joy of getting older: If I do something stupid, I won't remember long enough to stay embarrassed

:cheers: great ones db!

Is that Stanley?
 

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley .”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, “There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

:booty: :roflmao:

Lady on a Plane
 

A man on a plane had just sat down and he looked up and saw the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen walking down the aisle toward him.

She sat beside him. Trying to strike up a conversation he asked her
what she was doing.

She said, "Actually I am headed to a meeting where I am the speaker."

He asked what kind of meeting it was.

She said it is a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

He about swallowed his tongue as he thought, "I am sitting by the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and she is talking about that."

She said, "Actually I speak about my own personal experiences. You may be surprised but most think black guys are the best but really it is the American Indian. And most think that French men are the best lovers but I have found it is the Spanish. And the ones who have the most stamina are the redneck guys." She said, "I feel so silly telling you all this and I don't even
know your name."

He said, "My name is Tonto Gonzalez but most people call me Bubba."

Elk Sex ...
 

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?

His friend, says "Damn! I just joined the Knights of Columbus."

Gotta admit, Elks seem to have a good recruitment incentive. But, what can one expect, they do live the "wild" life. :D

I think they are just more horny.


;)

Oh deer.

You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery but, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal Sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?”

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me*that after having their tonsils out."


:bj:

:thumbs:

I have always had a difficult time distinguishing between “complete” and “finished”, but I recently read an explanation that is easy to understand.

When you marry the right partner, you are “complete”.
If you marry the wrong partner, you are “finished”.

Finally, when the right partner catches you with the wrong partner, you are “completely finished”.

Wise words

Truth.

Senior Inspiration
 

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... only 15 to go ...

2. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just on big round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese. FINE ... it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza.

3. I just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...

4. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

5. I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... hmmm ... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70 ... I learn something new every day ... and forget five others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money ... so I woke up and searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I needed a Crown ... so I said, "You bet,pour my over rocks."

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

"JUST REMEMBER, ONCE YOU'RE OVER THE HILL YOU BEGIN TO PICK UP SPEED." :)

:thumb:

Only a little bit close to the bone, DB.

I know, OF, kinda struck me that way, too! :yikes:

Old Dogs
 

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble* now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!* I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs*. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Learning to Cuss
 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"