A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly, the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off.

Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off. The little girl said to her daddy "what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said....

"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

*opps* LOL

Just a cockroach, dear one.

This is an old one and it hurts me to write it but.................

Message on the PA system in a Chicago area mall:

"Would the lady who left her nine children at Wrigley Field please return ASAP to pick them up!

They're beating the Cubs 15-0 in the 5th inning."

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached
the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

LOL^^^^^^^^^^^.

Subject: 63 and pregnant

A NEW DOCTOR...WHO DOESN'T RUN A BUNCH OF EXPENSIVE TESTS


A woman went to the GP's group, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening
to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 63 years old , she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Scoot on over dear, I'm a joinin' ya. :D

Beware, I've been told I snore.

Not if we don't let you get to sleep.

:p

scootch over. :p

scootch?

Hopefully this one isn't too over the top. I didn't write it, I'm just passin' it along. :p


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband
is at work. She's not aware that her 9 year old son is hiding
in the closet during their meetings.

During one such meeting, her husband comes home
unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

A week later, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church, the father alerts the priest, makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

About died when I saw this one.