Yes. You will.

:roflmao:

DM

Two old ladies ...
 

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drug store.

The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Maude: "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

This Is AMAZING!!!
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female Birds.



I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female??? The attached image are of Two Birds.





Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.



It can be done.





Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

Still another blonde joke ...
 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a
pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond
there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as
the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw.The cat hooked
the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into
the pond again there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized
one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the
pond.The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond it looked so delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually put the whole of his body into the pond to get the sausage. He ate it and found it very tasty!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY.....
(ur gonna love this)





The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the Pussy !!!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed
in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to
begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

^^^^ :roflmao:

I Owe My Mother

1. *My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE*.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

2. *My mother taught me RELIGION*.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. *My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL*.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. *My mother taught me LOGIC*.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. *My mother taught me MORE LOGIC*.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. *My mother taught me FORESIGHT*.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. *My mother taught me IRONY*.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. *My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS*.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. *My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM*.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. *My mother taught me about STAMINA*.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. *My mother taught me about WEATHER*.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. *My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY*.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. *My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE*.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. *My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION*.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. *My mother taught me about ENVY*.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do."

16. *My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION*.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. *My mother taught me about RECEIVING*.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. *My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE*.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. *My mother taught me ESP*.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. *My mother taught me HUMOR*.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. *My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT*.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. *My mother taught me GENETICS*.
"You're just like your father."

23. *My mother taught me about my ROOTS*.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. *My mother taught me WISDOM*.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. *My mother taught me about JUSTICE*.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."[/LEFT]

LOL, txgrneyes. Those are terrific (and very true). Mom was a smart one. :boink:

Things you'll never hear from a woman:


You know, I've been complaining a lot lately.
I don't blame you for ignoring me.

The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too,
I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again! Kick ass!

I liked that wedding even more than ours.
Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am.
Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times,
then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here!
Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass.

My mother is going to take care of the tab,
so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle.
I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

You're so sexy when you're hung over.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Let's subscribe to Hustler.

I'll be out painting the house.

I love it when you ride your Harley,
I just wish you had more time to ride.

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother is way better than mine.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing
and buy yourself something.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us,
why don't you retire?

Look! My ass is fatter than yours!

Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.

I've heard of women who would actually say something like that, except that they would substitute "we" for "you"...has something to do with that Harley rumbling between their legs like a giant gasoline-powered vibrator...

Not intending to pick apart your post, IM, the rest was spot on...& FAH!

Fun loving stuffed animals....

http://www.zippyvideos.com/58898067283845/blaupunkt/

Love that video! :rofl:

Shame on them, behaving like people.