LOL! Most excellent!

Very good.

:thumb:

Just Married
 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed His socks, His new wife asked, "Ewww - what`s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off His pants, His bride once again wrinkled up Her nose.

"What`s wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They`re all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, Her husband at last removed His underwear.

"Don`t tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

A Whale of a Story
 

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned His father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, `Let`s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink.`

They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,

`Let`s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.`

At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

`Look,` she said. `I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.`

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Health Care
 

The Queen is visiting one of Australia`s top hospitals and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

`Oh my God,` said the Queen. `That`s disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?`

The doctor leading the tour explains, `I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn`t do that five times a day they`ll explode and he would die instantly.`

`Oh I am so sorry` said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.

`Oh my God,` said the Queen, `what`s happening there?`

The doctor replied, `Same problem, better health health insurance policy.`

It was in the PT Barnum Wing.

Truly, there is a sucker born every minute.

Yeah ... isn't it great? :D

Show it Again, Sam
 

The film board of censors had just viewed a new film of dubious social and artistic value, when the chairman arose and said:

"I believe I speak for all of us when I request another showing of that revolting, disgusting scene with the midget, the airdale, the gorilla, the two naked men and the two naked girls."

Dr. Jekyl I presume
 

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "I`ve got this problem."

The psychiatrist asks, "What is it?"

"Well, during the day I`m attracted to women, and for some reason at night I`m attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?"

The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says, "This sounds like a classic case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hiney."

I wonder if living at a nudist resort takes all the fun out of Halloween? :shrug:

Okay ... how many?
 

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C`mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you`d throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn`t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there`s you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says there's been a mistake and sends him down to Hell.

After awhile in Hell, the engineer decides he's uncomfortable and starts to make changes. He makes air conditioners, flush toilets, etc.

A few months go by and God calls Satan up and asks with a sneer "How is going down there?"

Satan replies "It's great! We've got all this great stuff thanks to this engineer."

God asks him "How did you get an engineer? There must have been a mistake. You have to send him up to Heaven."

Satan responds saying "Hell no! I love having him on the staff. He's staying right where he is."

"I'll sue if you don't send him up here where he belongs," says God.

Satan, "Yeah right. Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

^^^^ Love it! :roflmao:

Best Feature
 

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put His name on the group mailbox.

While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it`s quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on His arm and says, `Let`s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...`

He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,

`What would you say is my best feature?`

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears His throat several times, and finally squeaks out, `Oh, it`s got to be your ears!`

She`s astounded. `Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don`t sag, and they`re 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven`s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?`

Clearing His throat once again, Duane stammers, `Outside when you said you heard someone cumming? That was me.`

Quick Thinking
 

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they writhed in the heat of the moment.

The woman cocked her ear "Quick it`s my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid His clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great" he said "I`ll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping His hand in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I`m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.

"But..but you`ve got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards."

How Old Is Your Father
 

How old is your father?

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.

Logic!!
Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds
_____________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
_____________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O
______________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

On a cold winter morning, a wife texts her husband ...

"Windows won't open."

Husband texts back ...

"Pour a little warm water on it, and tap the edges gently with a hammer."

5 minutes later, wife texts back ...

"Computer really messed up now."

^^^^ Lol!

Leather Dress
 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry ,

he gets weak in the knees,

and he thinks irrationally?


Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a New Truck!

Which came first?
 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Prehistoric Time
 

In prehistoric days, they had no time-telling devices. How did you get it together for a date? You don't know when to be somewhere. You show up at your friend's cave; she's all upset.

'Where were you? You were supposed to be here before.'

'I didn't say I'd be here before. I said I'd be here later. It's barely now. I'm early.'

Finally..the Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes
 

FINALLY..THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky!
 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual talk between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter popped the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Morris
 

Morris is on his deathbed, knows the end is near; is with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons. “So,” he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”
“Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”
“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property? The schmuck has a paper route!”

First Cab
 

As you may know, some people have brushes with the authorities from time
to time on the way home after a “social session,” or a night out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several
beers followed by some rather nice red wine. Although I was feeling jolly, I
still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before; I took a cab
home. Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block, but
since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know
where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with
it. :wink:

Making a bit of extra money on busy nights. They probably don't want it back, it would interfere with the insurance claims.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.


Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?


Sincerely, Edna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00 which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those b*st*rds at the post office.


Sincerely, Edna

^^^^ Lol!

Making Whoopie!
 

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

:faint:

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
 

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't, I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! Drank it for him. In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.


:cheers:

:cheers:

Some kids just don't appreciate fine alcohol.

:wine:

The Master Chief and the Master Gunnery Sergeant
 

The Master Chief and the Master Gunnery Sergeant

Two old friends, one a Marine and one a Sailor meet in a bar one day (I know it may be hard to imagine either a Sailor or a Marine being in a bar but hear the tale). They began to discuss which of them had had the more difficult and dangerous 30-year career.

The retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant begins: "I graduated from High School and the next morning I was on the train for Parris Island, South Carolina. Following Boot Camp I found myself in a Regiment assigned to the Iwo Jima assault. With my fellow Marines we fought our way to the top of Mount Suribachi.

In Korea I was with Chesty Puller at Inchon, then we fought our way toward the Yalu River. In the cold Korean winter we fought at the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, I ended my career after Viet Nam where I spent 3 months in the Battle of Khe Sanh after stomping through endless rice paddies."

The Navy Master Chief looked him in the eye and took a long draw on his bottle of beer and said simply: "Well, it figures, all shore duty/"

Answers At Last
 

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

I see you've been playing inside OldFarts' brain again, DB.

:Yikes: Had he already shared that one? Sorry! :doorpeek:

Not that I know of, ....... it's just that kind if thing is what his squeezes out of the grey matter. :nod: