Farmer Joh
 

John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that
his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six
a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got
to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all
my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own
sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

“ NUDIST COLONY”
“Slow down and watch out for chicks”

it's the naked truth.

Minnesota Folks
 

After being born in Omaha ... which we left when I was still just a wee baby ... I learned to call Little Falls, MN my home. It was my mom's home and with dad in the military it gave us "roots."

Anyway, got this and loved it ... hope you do, too.

=====

Just in case ya didn't know... yaa, yo-bet-sha... It's true Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Is What You Make It," but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul . He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Now... it's up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN....in February --

Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late

By Yimminy, by golly ... dat's de gospel truth. You 'betcha!

:roflmao:

Fifty Shades Of Golf
 

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.


"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Where were they (last 2 jokes) buried? :confused:

Comical Cemetary on Hilarity Hill.

:d

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

:yikes:

Logical. Yep, very logical.

:)

Do You Know Ole?
 

Hope you know Ole as well as I do.

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his
boss quickly retorts.

"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."

We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen
minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'

I went to a bullfight, and the crowd was ignoring the matador. They just kept calling out "Ole, Ole !". Popular bugger, isn't he.

By golly, you betcha! :D

Socrates could not have said it any more succinctly!
 

Quote of a lifetime

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges
what is given to her.





So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

The Homicide
 

Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrived on the scene and, after discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant.
Hello, Sarge?
Yes.
It looks like we have a homicide here.
What happened?
A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped.
Have you placed her under arrest?

No sir,.......the floor is still wet.
:yikes:

:faint:

How ya' doing, PF? Good to see you.

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

Oops. :roflmao:

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed :hot:, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.


Moments later the guy gets a second text:"Really should use spell check! That should be"wifi".
:yikes:

Bahahahaha.

Two easy mistakes. :D

A fact you won't soon forget...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA)
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was
concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian
Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during
the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on
the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98%
of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological
Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate
percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road
kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",none could say truck...... ;)

:rofl:

I loved it, too! :roflmao:

Never Lose Your Grandson
 

NEVER LOSE YOUR GRANDSON

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

NOT ACCORDING TO DAD

Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

lol dicksbro

Woot! :thumbs:

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." :tongue:

Now that's just a "little below the belt." :D

It's all right, DB. BIBI's just dicking with you.

:yikes:



:D

http://justdickingabout.tumblr.com/


Mischievous little brain farts wafting past the nostrils of decency. :p

Those are cute, bibi! Thanks. :D

What's that?
 

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertible in front waving their arms about having an argument of some sort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"What's that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad, trying to be discrete, replies, "Its a bug."

Then she says, "That bug sure has a big cock!"

The Moral of the Story Is
 

Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly. Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it.

There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine.

There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GE WET!!!

:rofl: funny db

Confession
 

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I`m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I`m Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I`m telling everybody!"

No Sex for Six Months
 

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"