Joke?

The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar ...



... it was a tense situation.

:faint:







:D

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Lol!

good one OF :)

Maybe it's just me...

That certainly lightened things up! :D

He's a bright lad.

Would you say, "A shining example? Sunshine on a cloudy day?"

Sunshine on a cloudy day? Isn't that "My Girl"? Scotz isn't a girl.

A Chinese, Frenchman, Australian and a Muslim are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the ‘End of the World Cliffs’ in Sagres, Portugal.

They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.

"Why did you do that?" ask the others.

"We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it."

The Muslim looks at the Australian and says –

"Don't you fucking dare!"

The Irish Furniture Dealer
 

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, and asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

:faint:

Note to self, French women are scary.

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Gotta' love those folks from Australia! :thumbs:

Yes, you do. Otherwise we'll come visiting again.

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Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours.

:roflmao: That's funny,BIBI! Love it.

OLD Is

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes!

Sadly, Amen.

A little boy went over to his grandparents' house and his grandfather was smoking a cigar. "May I have a puff of your cigar?" asked the boy. "Does your dick touch your asshole?" asked the grandfather. "No." "Then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A few hours later the grandfather was drinking a beer. The little boy asked, "May I have a sip of beer?" "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "No." "Then you can't have a sip of beer."

After dinner the little boy was eating cookies and milk and the grandfather asked, "May I have a cookie?" The little boy responded, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "Yes" replied the grandfather. The little spoke up and said, "Then you can go fuck yourself Grandma made these cookies for me."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

:coffee:

Two Cannibals
 

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Needs
 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

And women say men aren't sensitive ...
 

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

Downright generous beyond all call.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Marriage Quotes By Men
 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

:spam: :spam: :spam: :spam: :spam: :D

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

^^^^ Now those are cute. :D

Goodies all were they.

“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

Paraprosdokians
 

PARAPROSDOKIANS: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation" (i.e. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian).

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car, and asked for forgiveness.

16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

17. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, a target.

22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

25. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

27. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins.
I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

:faint:

Sex Quiz
 

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4. What word starts with 'f ' and ends with 'u-c-k'?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in ' u-n-t ' and one of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four-letter word begins with 'f' and ends with' k', and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in 'it ' and is found on the bottom
of birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?









Answers:

1. talk
2. legs
3. a $20 bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. surname