Miss Beatrice
 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

PESTICIDE is for killing insects!


A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist,
'I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it.
Where do I find 'em?' The pharmacist replied,
'Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4.'

'No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,' growled the farmer.

'Sir,' said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining,
'PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm.
I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.'

'Listen here, ' argued the farmer, 'I want condoms with
PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.'

A woman was on a hospital tour when she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating furiously. Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's okay" commented the woman.

But in the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke ever so calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

Short, and to the point!! :)

DM

I'm just doing some spring cleaning of my hard drive and thought I'd post a few of the many things I've received, mostly from dad. Hopefully they aren't repeats.

And a couple more:

Could anybody possibly picture this happening at the next PAGAN outing? I've gotta think that one of our Pixies gentlemen would come talk to this lovely lady.

and

How about this for a casual Friday dress code?

Bad day at Hallmark
 

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day ..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do
smething special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Oh yeah, thanks Soda, IM and DM ... those were terrific!!

:roflmao:

Games 2014
 

As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:


OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Castlemilk, in the traditional dress of Burberry baseball cap and a white shell suit.

The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)


HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.


FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.


SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.

The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson.


SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".


THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.


MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing...


THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.........

DM

I realise some (most?!) of you will never have heard of the majority of the content in th^s.... but I thought it was as funny as fcuk! So there! :nana:

DM

Sounds like Scotland has gone a long way to make the games fun and interesting. :boink:


:roflmao:

:irish: It's getting close to the special day. :nana:


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
For an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."


Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is
Enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
Ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



;)

*snicker*

Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?"
Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died
some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!"
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just
laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me!'"
Defense Attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "No! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I
shot him, the little bastard!"

Bullfrogs & Blow jobs
>
>A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
>looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
>the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
>trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
>more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the
>
>middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying
>everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
>downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
>cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."