The "anti-drugs" message ISN'T just for the kids!!!

Market Research ISN'T just a "bunch of hokum" y'know :)

Did you really, really WANT to get that tattoo?!

Last one for now...!
 

Cattle-country's FAVOURITE pastime!! :D

DM, yer' one in a million. Those are wonderful. What a great way to start a day.

Although the wildlife one ... :rolleyes:

I thought i'd share what is apparently my dads new favorite joke w/yall ... its an interesting conversation starter at least. Here goes:

Dad: Erin have you ever smelled moth balls?
Me: yeah, why?
Dad: how didja get their little legs apart?

Oldie but Goodie!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

However, this is not for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

BUT… There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!

The future is nigh!!
 

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Clause have in common?
A: They both empty their ball sacks on little children.

AHHHHHH CHOOOOO
 

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"





He answers, "Pepper."

Heaven? No THANKS!!! :)
 

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

ROTFLMAO, DM! That is funny!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
 

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said,

"Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked,

"What was that date again ?"

old man
 

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."

The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."

rancher
 

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off”, she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his mum
was watching him. The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one in his mouth, grabbed the cat and bit it. He then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step. His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him. "I'm playing truckers." said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin' on."

dear abby
 

Dear Abby

I have been engaged for almost a year.
I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very
attractive but really
great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and
invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown
a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would
be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with
me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that
I knew where the
front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good
kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Jesus is watching
 

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, "Was that you talking ?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."
The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the Seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly.

And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot.

Can you see the balance?"

"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work. Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.

I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket, rugby league, tennis and golf players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whingeing, sheep-rooting Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something with a Christmas flavour.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"Easy," he grins, "They're Carol's."

Important Christmas Tradition Background......

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for all the overtime that they had worked while making the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute"!

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%.
The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe
but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he
decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing
up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
wondering if either one of you would like that."Well,
Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort
of thing a man should be able to do.

Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he
went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and
told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he
should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed
him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He
whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write
his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the
while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said
to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you
can have it." "What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Multiple Orgasms" God said

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip
to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all
the different kinds of animals on the farm.

The farmer asks one little girl,
"What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then he asked another little girl, "What's
the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are
what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks Little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do," replied Little Johnny, "Bulls smile when you milk them."

An old man was sitting on his front porch watching
the sun rise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

It's a sunny morning in the Old Forest and the Bear family
are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in
his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Poppa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen
and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

TWENTY-THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed
that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal
injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended
up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of
the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20
miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire
as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very
large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to
the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was
making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast
stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he
extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay
to get out of bed. This article was taken from the California
Examiner, March 20, 1998.

Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse . . .
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back
door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog.

She sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said: "Elegant lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

The frog continued, "One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can
marry and set up housekeeping in your castle."

"You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't friggin think so."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of
her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and it's well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasn't come by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While He's there, an old man comes up to the gates.

"Welcome to heaven" says Jesus, "tell me a bit about yourself."

"Well," says the old man, "when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him..." Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

"Father?" he asked.

The old man stared back. "Pinnochio?"

A guy...................
 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "Now what?" responds the patron? "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

girls
 

According to a news report, a private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces
in the bathroom. That was fine. But after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of lip
prints in a great variety of colors.
Every night, the maintenance man would clean them off, but the
next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided
that enough was enough and something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Ever since then, no more
lip prints have been left on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators ............

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn . and into the hole he gooooes.”

Dear Cats,

We need to talk.

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with

each other so there are still two cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.

I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

I must exit through the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat’s butt.

I cannot stress this enough.

It should be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,

I just live here.

A minister was looking for a way to spice up his sermons. He walked into a pet store where a parrot was on sale. He asked the proprietor what was special about the parrot. The proprietor replied that the parrot could light matches. The minister thought this was a terrific idea and bought the parrot.

He planned his next homily to take advantage of the parrots's talent. At a particular point in the sermon, the parrot would light the matches and drop them over the congregation, getting their complete attention.

Sunday comes and the minister is in full throttle. He comes to the point of his sermon where the parrot is supposed to do his thing. He waves his hands and shouts
"And the fires came down from heaven" Nothing happens

He repeats
"And the fires came down from heaven" Again, nothing happens

He tries a third time
"And the fires came down from heaven"

And from up in the rafters a voice replies "And the cat pee'd on the matches"

Husbands, huh?
 

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"