Soup?
 

Picture the scene; a retirement home for elderly gentlemen. One of the old boys has been surprised by one of his friends with a gorgeous stripper for his birthday. So all the old men go into the home's big main room to wait for the lady.
She walks into the room, pulls open her long raincoat revealing her amazingly fit, totally naked body and shous out
"SUPERCUNT!!"

At the back of the room, one of the old boys turns to another and asks,
"What did she say?"
The second old guy replies,
"I THINK she said 'supercunt'".
The first man nods his head in contemplation......
"Oh, OK then....tell her I'll just have the soup!"








(sorry! ;))

One for Irish?
 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and said: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."

Last one for now (hooray, they cry!!)
 

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the rabbi."

Good ones, DM!

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. She is standing in
front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You
know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, I've got fat legs and my arms are all
flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something
positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."

There was this lab rabbit that escaped from the lab and met up with some wild rabbits, which he had never seen before. He asked the wild rabbits what they did all day. The rabbits said that they went over to the field and ate as much lettuce as they wanted.
The lab rabbit went to the field and ate a whole bunch of lettuce, then went back to the others.
He asked them what else they did.
They told him that they went to another field and ate as many carrots as they could.
The lab rabbit went to the other field and ate as many carrots as he could. He enjoyed the food very much, as he never had any at the lab.
When he got back to the rabbits, he surprised them by announcing that though he enjoyed nature's bounty, he would be returning to the lab.
Surprised at this, the wild rabbits said to him, "you just escaped from the lab, don't you want to stay here with us?"
The lab rabbit replied, "I sure like it outside the lab, but after such a satisfying meal, I need a cigarette like you wouldn't believe!"

Isn't education wonderful?
 

A kid went off to college and ran out of cash fast. Not wanting to directly ask her father for money she wrote him the following letter:

Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your Daughter


Dad's reply:Dear Daughter, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,Dad

I'd KILL for a nice boyfriend......
 

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."

Awww!
 

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “It’s just ice cream.”

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?” “Look, I can’t prescribe...” “Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.” The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.” “I don’t know, doc, she’s awfully cold...” “One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?””Um... okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes—he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I...need... a man...” His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me... too...”

The Mighty Sperm
One day there was this sperm, and he decided that he was going to be the strongest sperm in the body. For he knew that only one sperm could get inside the egg of a women, and he was determined to be that sperm.
So as the days and weeks went by the little sperm worked out. He did pushups, situps, crunches, and weights. All the other little sperm laughed and played while he worked to develope his strength.
Soon the weeks passed into years, but the little sperm stayed the course, until that magic day. That day came and all the little sperm inside started rushing out except the one little sperm that had worked out. He was pushing the other way yelling, " Go Back, Go Back, its just a blow job!"

Here’s another one
A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a
big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the
man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to be until
your attitude changes!"
And who ever said the man is in control

Navarre,

Hey! I resent that!

A few cartoons for ya.....
 

Losing weight...the FUN way!

Some people are just SO unlucky!!