And that didn't even mention ...

PRISON: free access to a college education
WORK: You pay all or some of the college costs

PRISON: free medical and dental care
WORK: co-pays, private insurance or pay it yourself

:(

Hmmm, IowaMan wonders if he can be thrown in jail for sexually molesting himself repeatedly without his own consent. :p

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

Depends on where you do it! :D

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary as she closed up her cellphone.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"Dear God! What did you say to them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

i don't get it :confused:

just kiddin', that was a good one! :roflmao:

Here's an oldie but a goodie. I believe I first saw it back in the 80's in "Truly Tasteless Jokes"


What's the first thing that Adam said to Eve?

"You'd better stand back. I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."

What is flat and pink and smells like a vagina?






:p

A cartoon from our local paper.

Very funny in a local sort of way.

The Cowboy
 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat do wn next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. " The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

LOL^^^^^! Good one DB.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?


A. Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan. :D

Overheard at a small Florida airport ... :)
 

Heard at Gainesville, Florida Airport:

Cessna: Gainesville tower, Cessna Three Four Five, seven west with Tango.

Tower: Cessna One Two Three Four Five, cleared to land Runway six.

Cessna: We'd prefer Runway one zero, we have some passengers to drop off at the terminal.

Tower: Cessna Three Four Five, you can't do that, you have to use the general aviation FBO.

Cessna: We called ahead and they said we could drop them off as long as we stayed clear of the gate.

Tower: I don't know who told you that, but I'll ask the airport manager.

Tower (a short time later): Cessna Three Four Five. I'm sorry, but you can't taxi to the terminal. However, if you'd like I can clear you for a low approach, and your passengers can jump out as you fly by.

Cessna: (Laughs) How about I just use Runway six?

Florida State Trooper
 

A Florida State Trooper pulled a car over on I-75. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Sarasota to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk tourist, from Michigan, got out and watched the performance briefly, h e then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

UCLA Study
 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

They tried doing a study on women going through "The Change", but none of the researchers lived to tell about it.