except he would have ended it with....Cause your ugly Madam!

Opening Day of Deer Season
 

For all our hunters~


Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand...
I set it all up a month ahead of time...
I trailed the herd . . .
I picked out a trophy buck...
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt...
Everything was in place....
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am....
I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand...
this was destined to be an epic hunt....
As I approached the tree-stand......




























[IMG][/IMG]

. . I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

It's just a bit of company, for goodness sake.

You'd bearly notice him.

Who else has a hide with a bearskin rug?

The punchline was "In the morning madam, I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly."

Oh I knew madam was somewhere in there :shrug:

I wanna be Johnny!!
 

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ...

"And how about you, Samantha?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

Ok...that one made me snort. lmfao

I'll pay that one, with interest.

Ya' gotta like ...... Samantha. Smart girl. :D

A women told her gynocologist that she kept finding stamps from Costa Rica in her vagina.

The amused doctor replied, "Those aren't postage stamps, they're the stickers on bananas".

Prayer for Gifts
 

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Now ... a couple of more "Pixie" jokes ... (Note: groaning permitted. :) )

-----

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

-----

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.

A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

funny funny funny boys!!!!
:thumb:

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him. The clerk can't stand it any longer and says to the man....

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon," He asks.

"Yes sir.." The man replies.

"Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed fucking her.." he says.

"I can't, she's got gonorrhea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, then how 'bout a little oral action from her?"

"Nope can't, she's got herpes."The man says calmly.

Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could give it to her up the ass."

"Nope can't, she's got diarrhea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?"

The man smiles....and says

"Well, she's got worms and I like fishing"

:eew:

oh well can't win them all...

and this is from a man who covets sheep lol

Gotta draw the line somewhere. lmao

Isn't that what started this?

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

ALWAYS TIRED

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is
exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night
I'm home with my husband!"

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very
lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."

Good luck Mr. Gorsky.
 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual talk between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter popped the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A farmer was sitting on a fence looking out over his farm, tears running down his face. His neighbour walked up and asked why he was crying.

"Farmer John, you have the best crop of dildos in the whole midwest. What can possibly be the problem? Is it rabbits? Is it squirrels? What is it?"

"Squatters!"

:faint:







:roflmao:

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning...
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

Love it! :D

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce
it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest
is falling into your drawers.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming
for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Gentle Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . ..

... . . . AMEN

Amen.

Which is worse?
 

Giving Birth or Getting Kicked in the Nuts



What deep thinkers men are. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said "nothing." The reason I said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said "about what." At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

-----

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

*like*

Ditto.

An old woman is spending the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!".

So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the fuck out!"

As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it." So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

:roflmao: ^^^^

Lexophile
 

Got this in an email and thought it was cute ...

-----

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe someone who loves using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year. This year's entries are below with the winning submission posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

they are hilarious......did Oldfart write them?

No, but I should have. Lol.

Classfieds Actually Ran In A Minneapolis Newspaper...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK; $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

-------------

Shorts

Shortest English sentence “I am” longest “I do.”

Difference between bonds and men – Bonds mature!

What do you call a man who looses 75% of his intelligence? - Divorced.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

:)