You did not hear this from me.


Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North
Dakota'
for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the
cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's
current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and
says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull
her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,
didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

That is SO PI! :roflmao:

Too flipping funny!!!! Thanks Lilith, shhhhh I did'nt say that.

:rofl:

:roflmao: By yimminey by golly! Dat's a gut von.

:eek:


That's SO wrong!

more wrong than laughing at dead people? :p

Yes.

Some people just don’t get it right do they?


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

OMG OldFart!! :roflmao:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

Dear Abby
 

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



See answer below ! !




Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States .. Act like one.





Sorry........ couldn't resist that one!! :D

DM

Where's that plane?!
 

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is

tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,

the door closes, and the engines start up.


The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that

this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.


The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in

the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge

of the airport.


As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,

panicked screams fill the cabin.


Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.


The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat

into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good

hands.


...... In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're

all gonna f***in' die."

These last three are terrific! :roflmao: Thanks Shadow Dancer and DM383!!!

Which is Better: Work or Prison?
 

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK: you spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office

PRISON: you get three meals a day fully paid for
WORK: you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

PRISON: you get time off for good behavior
WORK: you get more work for good behavior

PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK: you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

PRISON: you can watch TV and play games
WORK: you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

PRISON: you get your own toilet
WORK: you have to share the toilet with some people who may pee on the seat

PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit
WORK: you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

PRISON: all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
WORK: you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK: they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read stuff like this.

:)