960...

GOOD NEWS! Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on terrorism! They have pledged 2
battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.





BAD NEWS! With the current exchange rate, that comes out to 2 canoes, a Mountie and a couple of flying squirrels.

962

A SOUTHERN SUICIDE STORY . . .
A very prim and proper Southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC, one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad".

He replied "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".

She said "Well think of your wife and kids".

He replied "I'm not married and don't have any kids".

She said " Well, think of Robert E. Lee".

He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!"

963...

Sharni... would you like me to stop??? :)

It appears you may be the only one readin.... LOL

964

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!"


Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

965....

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.


They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."


One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."


A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."


The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."


"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"


"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

966....

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself.


I don't f@#$ing think so.

967....

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says. Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

969...

A kid from Texas applied for a job at a big store . The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales.

How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$201,237.64."

Boss says, "$201,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook .Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that big Cadillac 4X4
Pickup."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

970

night lovies!

LMAO-:)

#971

Sharni is not the only one reading these.

(I love the American on the English train):D

972..........

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"


The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

973...

Thanks PF.. glad you like them... I am spending my evening empting my email... :)

974 - some random quotes that I like will now follow...