Happy Thanksgiving
 

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:

Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

A Christmas joke - and it is Scottish,


A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Heehee - it's not true, honest!






(Well …………. mostly! ;) )

DM

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. -- Bernard Manning

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.


If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......"
They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake,
some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table
with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more..

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I
heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like
for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you,
I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat
bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal,my favourite waiter .
came over and says, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then,
just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the
head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke
shouts, 'That's just for starters!



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Simple Truth #1
 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1[B]

Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

Simple Truth #2
 

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.”

Five Rules to Remember in Life
 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in an Aston Martin than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Condoms
 

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

What Religion is a Bra?
 

What Religion is A Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

On a separate note, have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for,
It is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...


They forgot the German bra:

Holtzemfromfloppen

:)

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

LOL! :thumbs:

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him “Can you burn me a copy”

That was when the trouble started….

:faint:








:D

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them..
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari?

:roflmao: Those are great!

Okay, here's mine for this morning ...

-----

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

:shrug:

Some 200 dead crows were found near Jefferson, IA , and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. He determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."

Have a nice day...

:D great one

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'


The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life..'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'

A Bug on the Windshield
 

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertable infront waving their arms about having an arguement of somesort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"Whats that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies,"Its a bug."

Then she says,"That bug sure has a big cock!"

A sign of today's world ...

Two little girls are playing in the sandbox and the says to the other, "I'm never ever going to have any children. Nope. Not in my whole life."

"Why not," asked her friends.

"I just heard that kids take 9 months to download!"

Gun Control ... It's Already Started
 

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

:shrug:

I can just imagine that.

Taking PantyFanatic with you would just make it golden.

When you're a country boy, your perception is a little different ...
 

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Depends on the litter size, jseal.

Jseal, I loved it. :roflmao:

A joke is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention. Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a ...

Is that a joke? ^^^^ :shrug:

Young Couple
 

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

Nah, it's a bot of some kind.

Nah, it's just another spammer. :(

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station. They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex.

"Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five."

The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three.

"Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win."

The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?"

His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!"

For the Aussies, but the basics are universal.

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that as of early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero as the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

A Chinese Baby
 

CHINESE BABY

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."