I'll leave this one for Buddy Hackett to tell. Absolutely marvellous joke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DqSw41jD2Q

Yep. You can have the duck! :roflmao:

Another visual.

^^^^ :roflmao:

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Sounds like a plan to me.

One word should do it
 

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news

She walks into the telegraphoffice, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Old Time Sex
 

OldTimer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg
 

:fone: .....:fone: .....:fone: .....:fone:


**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

..............................................
..............................................
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*












:yikes:

Oops.





:roflmao:

Shit Happens

Just proves that no matter what faith, shit happens.

Amen.

The Ocean View Restaurant
 

A bunch of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later at age 25, the guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of hot chicks.

Ten years later at age 35 the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later at age 45 the group again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the martinis were big, and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later at 55 the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later at age 65 the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later at 75, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the food wasn't too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.

A bit close to the bone, young jsealwalker.

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I wish, I wish, I wish.

The Man Song

The Wife Song

It's a Great Day

Just a few videos to put a smile on your faces.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

With the most mealy-mouthed apologies.


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore !!!!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.' (Bird-watchers will know her as a 'Double-breasted Mattress-Thrasher')

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

Those are good, OF! Love 'em. :thumbs:

Golf, anyone?
 

A man and his wife consult a golf pro to try and improve their game.

The pro examines the man's technique and comments, "Your grip's too tight, imagine you're holding the club like you'd hold your wife's breasts."

The man does so and hits the ball right onto the green.

Next the pro looks at the wife's technique. "I can see your problem," says the pro. "Your grip is too tight, handle the club as if it was your husband's penis."

The woman does so, but only manages to knock the ball a few feet from the tree.

"Okay," says the pro, "Not to worry. Now the first thing you have to do is take the club out of your mouth..."

:roflmao:

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives, in one compound, and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. :D

USA RECESSION

The
recession has hit everybody really hard... .....................

My
neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are
having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off
25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her
with rolls
of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only
one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you
call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted
a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their
childrens' names.

My cousin had an exorcism
but couldn't afford to pay for it, and
they re-possessed her!

A
truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is
now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is
now managed by Somali pirates.

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, madam, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby.

Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

This is another of those absolutely true, factual and inarguable emails. At least this one is funny.



The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

:roflmao:

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground.

The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

LOL! Love it.

It's a repeat, but a good one.

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."

I had heard that, but thanks for bringing it back ... it's terrific. :roflmao:

More classics.


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started......
________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,


'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....


________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat

alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up

those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started...

________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......


_____________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.


She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."


And then the fight started........

________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


That's how the fight started.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out the front door, stepping around empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman says.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

"Is that a game?" the mailman asks. "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Well, that's why I came out to talk to you," Bob says. "You better lay low for a few days, since your name came up seven times and several of the guys are looking for you."

Twenty Dollars
 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.

It set a precedent -- this scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands. During the next few minutes, he explained that with the economy shattered, General Motors had laid him off from his well-paid management position. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and because he had counted on his pension, he never invested any money and they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 40 years of steady deposits and interest -- the total nearly $1 million. The husband was starting to get rather excited, but then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the local bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her careful savings.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

They found him submerged in Lake Erie, in his favorite Chevy. Some men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Good ones.

A Father's Lament
 

A man walks into a store with his eight-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

True story.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50......................He's the Window cleaner"!

:roflmao: Love it.