>A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his
> >dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts,
> >worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
> >find him.
> >
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
> >sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
> >
> >"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
> >her knees and blows it right back up."

A couple I thought were cute.

A Dill Doe.......... LOL!

Christmas 2006
 

:confused:

The Wedding Ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out
you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on
your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

PF,

Santa Trial is funny!! I got that in an email and told my boss cause she is going to school to be a lawyer. She was almost crying she laughed so hard.

Blonde jokes for the year........ no offense please.

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ...... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little
later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened
it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the
mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her
actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There
certainly is!"


(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top
of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly
and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up." :bj:

:xmas:

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
 

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.



December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.



December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.



December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!



December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.



January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Yet another one I stumbled across as I do a little housekeeping of the files. Makes me glad I live in the era of technology. :thumb:

ejected Titles for Children's Books

1. You are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife 'Greg'

4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It Book"

6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster. And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool

30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!

31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet

32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road

33. You Can't Help It If You're Stupid

34. Patty Went Splat! (Don't YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)


35. Bullies Deserve To Die

36. Mommy's Got A New Baby To Love

38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy

Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays >

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

"38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy"
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

11. Some Kittens Can Fly