While vacationing in the country, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Aussie Love Poem
 

:D

Of Course I Love You Darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when i'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arm around there

No sheila that is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me Nannas grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what ya look like
I'll aways love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer!!

Author Unknown

there's something so great about aussie humour isn't there :D :D :D

Sharni---Sounds almost like the Fosters ads that are on TV all the
time.Some of there definitions really crack me up. Irish

Q. What do u call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A. A stick

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you'll stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You must promise we won't go past my mother's."

A doctor made a house call on an elderly lady.

She was sprightly and healthy, and he remarked on her good condition.

"Have you ever been bedridden?" he asked.

"Oh my, yes," she said. "Several times, and twice in a buggy."

Two two-bit thieves decided to rob a bank together.

The first robber, we'll call #1, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second robber, #2, in great detail.

The robbery begins. #1 drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to #2, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said #2.

#2 goes in the bank while #1 waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and #1 is stressed out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes #2, with the safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time #2 gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the robbers are getting away, #1 says "You are such a idiot! I thought you understood the plan!"

#2 said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said #1. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." :D :D :D

Heckle Me Harder
 

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his
dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's
because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on
your lap!":eek: :whiteghos :D :D

Marital Bliss?
 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breath?"

Again she shakes her head 'no.'

The Texan grabs her around the waist with One of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom!

Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge.

The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"

In England from an actual trial:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling".

"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

There's a brothel up on a hill - the kind that has red lights outside. There are four men near the brothel - one is running up the hill, another is walking down the hill, one is inside the place and another is in a helicopter hovering above. What is the nationalities of the four men?


The man walking down the hill - he's Finnish
The man running up the hill - he's Russian
The man inside the brothel - Himalayan
and the man in the helicopter - well he's Irish....and he's waiting for the light's to change.

Spellbound

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks for my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I’ve run this poem threw it,
I’m sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

Chauvinism, as defined by Charlie Farquharson (a.k.a. Canadian comedian Don Harron):

"I’m not one of yer Showviznist mailprigs. Yer showviznist is sumbuddy hoo thinks HARASS is two seprit words."

No offense to anyone particularly religious. I am a religious studies major and I thought this was hilarious...

Questionnaire from God

Your God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews)
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to tee off parents
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Scatological material was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.

5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters:

flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles:

rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on number of beings entered).

here's one

three nuns had died and were waiting at the pearly gates to be let into heaven. St Peter greeted them and explained to them that before they could enter, they first had to answer a question correctly.

St Peter says to the first nun "How many apostles were there?"
The nun replies "Oh my, that's an easy one. Twelve". Trumpets sounded, angels floated about, the gates opened and she was let into heaven.

To the second nun "Who was Mary's husband?"
To which the second nun say "Oh my, that's an easy one. It was Joseph." Trumpets sounded, angels floated about, the gates opened and she was let into heaven.

Finally, St Peter asks the third nun "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun says "Oh my, that's a hard one...." Trumpets sounded, angels floated about....

My favourite fairy tale from when I was little... Always did 'gove a lood stove lory'. :D You have to read this one aloud to get the full effect.

Rindercella

Time upon a once in a coreign fountry, there lived a geautiful birl, and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her mugly uother and her two sad blisters.

Also, in this same coreign fountry, there was a very Prandsome Hince. And this Prandsome Hince was going to have a bancy fall. He invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople.

Now Rindercella's mugly uother and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella couldn't, so she just cat down and shried. She was kitting there shrying when all at once there appeared her gairy mudfather.

Her gairy mudfather touched her with a wagic mand and there appeared before her a cig boach and hix site whorses to take her to the bancy fall. But the gairy mudfather said, "Be sure and be home before midclock strikes night or I'll purn you into a tumpkin."

When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the Prandsome Hince met her at the door because he had been watching behind a widden hindow. Rindercella and the Prandsome Hince nanced all dight until nidmight and they lell in fove. Finally the midclock struck night and Rindercella stanced down the rairs. Just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.

The dext nay the Prandsome Hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried the dripper on her mugly uother and it fidn't dit. He tried it on her two sad blisters and it fidn't dit. Finally, he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit! It was exactly the sight rise!

So they were married and lived hervily after happer.

How the storal of the mory is this. If you ever go to a bancy fall, and you want to have a Prandsome Hince lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper.

LOL....i heard a person read that out once and he was so good at it too

Think that was Victor Borge, brilliant and sadly missed.

Loved his inflation skit, about Don Two (Don Juan inflated)

Its gross...but funny
 

Bumper Stickers
 

lol...i know of a dancer named Tiffany and i think she has implants too. not a college friend though....damn :D

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
-- Will Rogers

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
-- M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
-- Sigmund Freud

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
-- Anonymous

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
-- Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
-- Unknown

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
-- Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her: Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ?

What ? You're crazy ???!!!

Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem

No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor...

At this time of the night no one will show up..

I've already said NO, and NO.

Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too..

NO !!! I've said NO !!!

My love.. don't be like that..

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says: Dad says for you to blow him, or that I can blow him, or he will come down and blow himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off The intercom.

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied "We don't have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. She will not let him do much....

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

Worst taste joke in the world at the moment.

What goes stiff after 4 strokes?







































Princess Margaret

that is bad OF :)

Martian Lovemaking
 

The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians were humanoid and not much different from their Neighbors on Earth.

The Expedition personnel -- 4 males and one female spent the first few days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of course, the subject of procreation was raised.

The Martians took their guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said one of the Martians, adjusting various controls. "I think we should make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy".

He checked his settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view.

Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to show you how it is done".

The lady astronaut was more than willing and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected.

"Oh sorry," said the leader. "It takes nine months".

"Nine months!" exclaimed the Martian. "Well, why all the hurry at the end?"

The Pre-Relationship Agreement
 

(Long, but definitely worth the read..)


Don't forget to read the "Fine Print"!

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:
===========================
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2) INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arrange the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)

3) DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty(30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".

4) TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5) DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from theirvocabularies. 6) Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6) TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7) LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8) THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".

9) THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone".

10) GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
A) Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend.
B) Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing"
C) Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek "help"
D) Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."

11) DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)

12) MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to waitat least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right." "He/she wanted more than I could give." "He/she was too involved in his/her career." "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/ hometown/therapist."

13) ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

The 10 most important people in a woman's life:
 

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes."

2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide."

3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?"

4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em!"

8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Bull
 

Cleaning out my inbox again...

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:

"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:

"This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:

"This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

"My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do
it.

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.......God I miss him!

"So now I have married a lawyer---- I know I'm going to get screwed."

Cost cutting
 

Our New Corporate Travel Policy
____________________________________

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

Lodging
----------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
----------------
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
-------
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sam's Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.

Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
---------------
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.

The Beer and Ice Cream Diet
 

Last one for tonight...

THE BEER AND ICE CREAM DIET
(Also called Thermodynamics to the Rescue)
===============================================

OK....here's the ultimate diet for you Beer and Ice Cream fans:

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories(1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.

But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

Too funny!!!
 

A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear
she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her
legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried
about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said,
"Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she
replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend
that her earrings aren't real gold." :gld: :D :D :D :)