:faint:









:D

Can you believe it?
 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Huh?
 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters strongly objected saying: "Last year we shot two and the pilot let us take them both...and he had the exact same airplane as yours!"

Reluctantly, the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan: "Any idea where we are?"

Stan replied: "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"


:nod:

Duh. :D

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

I must say, the child has a point.

Maxine always gets it right, it seems.
 

I don't have her picture, but here's what she said,

"Let me get this straight . . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't,

Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,

written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it,

and signed by a President who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect,

by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the hell could possibly go wrong?' "

^^^^ Come to think of it, maybe that's not a joke. :yikes:

When I Win the Lottery
 

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sitting on the front porch drinking beer
when a truck hauling rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

A new blonde joke ...
 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Ode to Texas
 

Got this from my brother-in-law in Texas (near Dallas/Ft. Worth and thought you might enjoy ...

-----

Ode to Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth,
Sort of a summer home,
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas,
A place both wretched and rough,
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall,
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear,
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would.
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow,
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."

Shark Tales
 

Thanks, Scarecrow for this one ...

=====

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.



When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

Thanks Scarecrow.

I would like to share with you all an experience that I recently had regarding drinking and driving.
As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before.
Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Having had a few too many wines and knowing full well I was struggling, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

Did the other passengers object? :shrug:

:roflmao:

Yes, but I got MY ride home. It was up to one of them to take it the next step.

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Joke I saw today, not for the politically sensitive.





• Today, in an opinion poll, I was asked ‘If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?’ I said ‘Irish or Asians’. Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres!!

:roflmao:

I received this in an email and thought it was funny. Might rub some the wrong way, if it does I do apologize.


A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.
>
> TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.
>
> THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.
>
> THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION , SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
>
> AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.
>
> SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.
>
> THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
>
> HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.
>
>
> AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.
>
>
> ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.
>
> I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
>
> BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'

Old Timers Bar
 

4 old retired guys are walking down a street near NC State in Raleigh, North Carolina. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Good afternoon - glad you came in; What'll it be, gentlemen?"


There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Charlotte," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

Very good DB.

After being married for years......a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H....
I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........

:roflmao: Love it.

Questions
 

President Obama went to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offered question time.

One little boy put up his hand and the President asked him his name.

" Walter," responded the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rang for recess. Obama informed the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resumed, Obama said, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Walter ?

:shrug:

Walter is what we like to call "black bagged". He no longer exists for the same reasons that Steve no longer exists. He called the President of the United States on various things that ought not be discussed.

You are such a cynic Lord Snow. Lord Snow? Lord Snow? Has anyone seen lord Snow?

Leaving Work Early

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed that the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that, when the boss left, they would leave early, too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how could she possibly know they left early. The brunette was delighted to get home early. She did a little gardening, spent some play time with her son and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The third woman was happy to get early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked their co-worker if she was going to go with them. "No way!" she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Must have been a blond.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

It is a repeat, but then again I've never been known to repeat myself.

You haven't?

You haven't??

There are two sides to every story.

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.
And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull.....


MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these frigging candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

Best Smart Ass Answers
 

SMART ASS ANSWER #1

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.
"A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
"That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy,
"A'd imagine she'll be in white"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to
religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I’ve converted
to Islam and we're stoning the bitch in the morning !


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . ..so I
did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking — And then I saw her face . . . .


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of strike anywhere matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and gave her one right there ".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied "They're not too happy about it in WalMart either!"

:roflmao: