I want an appointment with her.

You're just wanting to practice counting, aren't you? :rolleyes2

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.

They said “Is this your wife sir?”

Shocked I answered “Yes”

They said “We're afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”.

I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality & she’s good with the kids”.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this................................)



.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian' .

While creating women, God promised Adam that good and ideal women would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that -- The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

:faint:

Aqua!!!! Lilith!!!!

Booger's throwing Pie Thagarouses at me again.

What do you mean, take two aspersions and call me in the morning?

Booger, I must say that is a terrible math joke.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

WoW! :faint:

The Blonde and the Barking Dog
 

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Two Blondes with Hammers
 

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' :spin:

The Drive-In Movie
 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

You Might Have to Think Twice About This One
 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, slly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants ... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

The Hailstorm
 

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

These are Just Too Cute not to Pass On!!
 

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos ..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied ...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Bad News
 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

LOL thats corny!

He was going to run away to get married with his fiance, but now he cantelope.

I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

... but she did.

I recently got this as a text:

Breaking News: All mini marts, hotels, and 7-11 gas stations are closed due to a death in the family.

OMG! :roflmao:

Dinner's on Her
 

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..





Wait for it ... ....





It's coming ..... .....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said ... ...:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

That was really bad. Just..........bad. LOL.

:)

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs




















They're going to drill for their own oil.

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss walked into to a nightclub.

The doorman said ,








"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

:faint:

Not sure if this one is here already but Mr. Lil sent it to me-

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"


Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.


There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.


Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.


Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.


Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.


Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.


What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.


General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.


The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.


A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.


Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'


Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'


Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'


And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Ba rum bum bump.

"Hey bartender, how about fix'n me a 'Bin Laden'!

"Never heard of it. WTF is that?"

"Two shots and a splash of water!"

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right gumboot, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jee Paddy, ye frightened the livin' out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor..........

Groan ... :rolleyes2




Actually, it was cute ... just felt like groaning a bit. :D

Police Raid in Tennant Creek

Police in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory just announced the
discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds
of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of
heroin, $5 million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked
Indonesian and Thailand prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind
the Public Library in Tennant Creek.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said:
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a fucking Library!!!"

Your parrot, he is dead.
 

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse?

What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

What's the difference between a Rock guitarist & a Jazz guitarist?

A Rock guitarist gets to play 3 chords for 1000's of people...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:







(It's a beauty)






(Wait for it)




(Get your best Chinese accent ready)










'You not Nissan Main Deala?'