Sick!

... but I love it! :D

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
and... Should you use some tongue?


Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
Half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct.

But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

oh i really like that, lmao, nice one!

Two of the best.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around
>the
> block?"
>
> Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
>
> "What's that mean?" asked the child.
>
> "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take
Belle for
>a
> walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat,
>and to
> come to you."
>
> Dad said, "Bring Belle over
>here."
>
> He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
backside
>with
> it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep
Belle
>on
> the leash and only go one time round the block."
>
> The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on
>the
> leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
>
> (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block,
>so
> another dog is pushing her home."
>
>

A farmer in got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with them there circle flies, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A Cajun walks into a bar with
> A pet alligator by his side.
>
>
> He puts the alligator up on the bar.
> He turns to the astonished patrons.
> "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my
>manhood inside.
>
>
> Then the gator will close his
> Mouth for one minute.
>
>
> "Then he'll open his mouth
> And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
> In return for witnessing this
> Spectacle,
> Each of you will buy me a drink."
>
> The crowd murmured their approval.
> The man stood up on the bar,
> Dropped his trousers,
> And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open
mouth.
>
>
> The gator closed his mouth
> As the crowd gasped.
> After a minute,
> The man grabbed a beer
> Bottle and smacked the
> Alligator hard on the top of
> Its head.
>
>
> The gator opened his mouth
> And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
>
>
> The crowd cheered,
> And the first of his free
> Drinks were delivered.
>
>
>
> The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100
>who's willing to give it a try."
>
>
> A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back
>of the bar.
>
>
> A Blonde woman timidly
> Spoke up..........
> "I'll try it -
> Just don't hit me so hard
> With the beer bottle!"
>
>

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

LOL^^^^^!

Study? Who would have thought?

WI.

I don't know if you've seen this one yet.

Notice who get's serviced first? :brows:

Who says....
 

That was just plain scary!!!!!