The ATM Machine
 

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too!

PS If I'm not posting tomorrow, you'll know my wife read this. :D

Lol.

I am so glad I didn't tell that one.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

The Flasher
 

Three very elderly ladies: Gertrude; Felicity and Olivia, were all sitting on a park bench when a guy in a raincoat came up; faced them; and opened his coat ... flashing the ladies.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Felicity also had a stroke.

Olivia, on the other hand, complained because she couldn't reach. :shrug:

And he was a handsome lad.

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

:roflmao:

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, " Fucked if I know, I've never got this far before"

LOL. Good one.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however,

the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him

about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough

so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three

wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

A truckie who had been out on the road for three weeks stopped

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walked straight up to the Madam, dropped down $500 and said,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam was astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. '

The truckie replied, 'I'm not horny . . . . .......... I'm homesick.'

Lol.

A tough, really-tough biker was riding his Harley across the Golden Gate Bridge, when he saw a girl about to jump off. He stopped.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, could you . . . well, you know, give me a kiss?"

So, she did and it was a doozy of a kiss -- warm, sensitive, loving and gentle, that actually left the guy glassy-eyed and slightly disoriented.

Afterward, jaw hanging open, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever gotten in my whole life! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous! Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

:roflmao: ^^^^ Oops!

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Houston, Texas, and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Budweiser drafts, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to Australia next month," says John. "We go there every year, rent a car and drive for days. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, good old Oz!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The outback, the beer, the barbies, the babes, the mates..."

"Nah, we don't like that Aussie crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Buds, that's us, ain’t it Jim?
And we don’t care for the Aussies-- they're so vulgar and arrogant, and they shorten every word."

"So why keep going there?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Ba Dum Ching

:roflmao:

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Good one DB.

Isn't it amazing how a non-joke can still be funny. :D

This was supposedly written by John Cleese. It's amazing. An oldie, but a goodie.

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.





Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

“They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.


While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

...and other women make fun of me because I carry a male-style bi-fold wallet. Honestly, most of the crap women carry in their purses is just that, crap. I usually have chap-stick in my pocket, change in my other pocket and my wallet which has identification, cash, and my bank card. honestly what else do I need? and -gods forbid- if I'm wearing something without pockets I either have a jacket of some sort or a male escort i trust so they can hold my wallet and chapstick, funny thing men don't complain about holding a wallet that's like theirs kinda like they don't mind holding my dogs leash while i go into a shop to attend natures' call since my dog is a big macho malinois not a shih-tzu.... so many women told me that these things would "scare away" men and unless i became more feminine i would never find a man who wanted to be with me. >rolls eyes<

rarely prissy,

Kyttn

;)

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining.
That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots."
The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess.
Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone.
Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservations who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than yo have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, too a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3-for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition -- because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus ".
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

A blond calling her mom

"Hi Mom, How are you?"
>>
>> "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
>> Hardware."
>>
>> "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone
>> call."
>>
>> "What happened?"
>>
>> "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
>>
>> "What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
>>
>> "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

In hindsight, I should have updated my facebook status as;

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford,"

rather than

"I've just fucked a 13 year old Escort."

Still, I haven't been out much lately so a few hours at the police station was a pleasant change.

:faint:

The Facecloth


As stated by a woman :-

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am .

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard...

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He whispers back, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

When's the funeral? :shrug:

Right after he finishes his beer.

I'd love to see the coroner's report.

"Your Honour, I removed approximately 38 full bottles of beer from the victim's rectum."

"Rectum, Mr Coroner?"

"Sure did, your Honour."

:roflmao:

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
"They've lost the plot".

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $70. "Bugger this", I thought, "I can get one
cheaper off the web".

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an tow truck parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself "That
guy's heading for a breakdown".

Prostrate Examine
 

An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...


Watch out for the OLD guys!