LOL, Sodaklostsoul. I like it.

I shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?

Beer coaster
 

Just a Vodka ad on a coaster. It's one of a series.

But, on the other hand, propositions to obtain a desired end should be made using clear sentences. :huh:





:jacques:

Scottish Love-making!
 

PREPARATION



Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish male. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac - 12
pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind is set on
one thing LOVE! Or as he says, "Ma nookie!"


His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words
of passion, "Any chance o' ma hole?"


The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.


This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awa tae
f_ck, ya bampot, ye!"





FOREPLAY


Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of The male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife,
usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing
the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, Here we
go."


Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This
is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.





INITIAL PROBLEMS


After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to
extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's
self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle
and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless b@stard, "or
possibly, "I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae the Milkman."





FELLATIO


Oral is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with
a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?"
Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler.
"Guan yersel," she says, "jist dinnae bother me."


Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man drives enthusiastically to
perform such a service for his wife. .!





DOWN TO BUSINESS


Eventually the moment comes to consumate their tender love. Again,
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F_ck me, I've shoat ma
load."


If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.


An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women
like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Snotters, Shite,
a*sehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his
mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement
such as, "Are you sure its in?"


Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should
be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the
form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah,ooyah, gallus big man."


Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his willie on her
nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.


Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs
quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.



I would like to point out at this point.............. this IS a joke!!

DM

Oh ...




... and here I was taking notes. :rolleyes:



:roflmao:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

:roflmao: ^^^

Why do blond girls have bruises around their navels.......blonde boys are dumb too! :D

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:






















Always keep your condoms in your car...

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what yourwife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

A husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I
AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"




His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."

A man is :car: down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.

Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. :wobbly:

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. :shrug:

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. :(

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and :wish: for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." :huh:

The man sets about his task. :wave:

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, :cheerlead "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk! :p

so then monk baby. monk me hard. :p

If a deaf person works at Sonic, where does a one legged person work?















































wait for it. :D

















































































IHOP :rofl: