A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They`re called `gays` or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as `lesbians`.

You probably won`t believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman`s private parts and do things with their tongues."

"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"

"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What`s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don`t know, but I`ve never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let`s have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what`s with that group ahead of us? They`re rather slow, aren`t they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that`s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That`s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I`m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there`s anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can`t these guys play at night?"

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertable infront waving their arms about having an arguement of somesort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"Whats that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies,"Its a bug."

Then she says,"That bug sure has a big cock!"

Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly. Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it. There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine. There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat stumbled as it went for the mouse and ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GE WET!!!

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, Ididn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

^^^^^^^lmfao^^^^^^^^^

Russ and Sam
 

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' :(

LMAO. That's a good one.

When Insults Had Class


1. In the mid- to late-1800s, British Parliament members William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli not only belonged to opposing political parties, they disliked each other intensely. One day, while Gladstone was giving a major speech on some issue near and dear to him, Disraeli was kibitzing throughout the speech, drawing laughter from the Parliament members. Aware of this, Gladstone was getting angrier and angrier until he could no longer hold his temper. Pointing directly at Disraeli, Gladstone angrily exclaimed: "You, Sir, will either die in the hangman's gallows or of some unspeakable disease!"

Disraeli was on his feet in an instant and replied: "Only, Sir, if I embrace either your policies or your mistress."

2. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approve of it." -- Mark Twain.

3. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand.

4. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating.

5."He has delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr.

6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it." -- Moses Hadas.

7. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde.

8. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop.

9. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West.

10. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Winston Churchill's response: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

11. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill.

12. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow.

If only my mind was that quick.

A man applied to become a Policeman.


The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Confused
 

:confused: CONFUSED :confused:

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired another farmer’s bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Why does that seem to make so much sense? LOL.

Bohica.

These are just sad. I left the worst out, but PM me and I'll flick them to you.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's
iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Darwin but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?". He said "Her brother's got a moustache".


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

He was standing on a jetty on the Nerang River.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived

I’m beginning to think, I've wasted a stamp!

:roflmao:

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota . He said that since
early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.


The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:Hello. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No,my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Apple Mac?

COSTELLO: I dont want an apple and I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Your Desktop and Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: What do I want to be looking at my desktop and the wallpaper for if Ive just bought a computer! Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Howcan I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' ...

Costello sounds like my father. He doesn't know anything about computers. LOL.

:roflmao: Cute.

This is one of the best emails I have received in a while!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?

Both of those were too funny!!!!!

This has been posted before, but worth another shot.

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Sounds good to me.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did..... *


FIRST TESTIMONY: *
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in
tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better. *


SECOND TESTIMONY: *
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with mens balls" *

THIRD TESTIMONY: *
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget. *


FOURTH TESTIMONY ** : *
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter. *


FIFTH TESTIMONY: *
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! *


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: *
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

This is the most obscure joke I've read in ages.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar doing what he does best - philosophising. He's had a few pints of ale over the course of the evening, and it's now last call. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

Philosophy jokes are like that. :)



So a string walks into a bar, gets drunk, gets into a fight, and ends up on his ass out in front of the bar with the bartender shouting “... and I won’t be having any strings in here again!”

A week goes by, the string gets paid, and wants to get a load on. Remembering the bartender’s parting words from the week before, the string grabs the top of himself, makes a big loop, which his lower half then jumps through. The string finishes off his disguise by unraveling some of each of his ends.

Sure enough, as soon as the string walks back into the bar, the bartender looks, squints because he’s not 100% sure of himself, then says, “Hey! Aren’t you that string from last week?”

And the string replies,











“I’m a frayed knot. I’d like a beer.”

Always loved that one.

Me too! :D

Speaking of Philosophy humor (which we were not) I just read the most delightful cause of the death of Bishop Berkeley: Divine neglect! :roflmao:

And just to prove I'm philosophically bankrupt, a blonde joke.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'


'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'


'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.


So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

A blond walks into a bar.....the end.

Two Irishmen walked into a bar . . . . you'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

A Blonde's Year in Review
 

:roflmao: ^^^^^

=====

ENJOY – A Blonde’s Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won’t fit in printer!!!


March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’


April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!


May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!


June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.


July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!


August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.


September
The capital of California is ‘C’.....isn’t it???


October
Hate M & M’s.....They are so hard to peel.


November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!


December


Couldn’t call 911.
‘Duh’.....there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR – SO FAR


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.


She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.


A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.


As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ‘Is something wrong?’


To which she replied, ‘There certainly is!’
‘My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL!’

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Pincess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry
her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

-- Question: What was in the prince's pants?
-- Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
-- What were you thinking, you perverts? Hehehe!

^^^^ I love it! :D

A late Xmas joke.

How does Santa like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.