TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,
so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste,
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
>>
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
>>
>> She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass
>> out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
>> tequila.
>>
>> Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and
sets it on the table.

>> The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
>> asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

>> Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU
>> DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

>> ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: FW: To brighten your day
>
>
>> 1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then they poop on your
> car.
>
>> 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
>> to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how
>> nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
>
>> 3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
>> neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>
>> 4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
>
>> 5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
>
>> 6. A penny saved...is a government oversight.
>
>> 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
>> thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
>> thing at a tempting moment.
>
>> 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
>> because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
>
>> 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
>> is to buy a replacement.
>
>> 10. He who hesitates is probably right.
>
>> 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
> everybody.
>
>> 12. If you can smile when things go wrong,
>> you have someone in mind to blame.
>
>> 13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
>> he's really in trouble.
>
>> 14. The mind is like a parachute;
>> it works much better when it's open.
>
>> 15. The only difference between a rut and a grave...is the depth!
>

PET RULES
> >>
> >>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.
> >>
> >>Dear Dogs and Cats:
> >>
> >> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>other
> >>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in
> >>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming
>your
> >>food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>slightest.
> >>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
>me
> >>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
> >>faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
sized
> >>bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping
>on
> >>the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in
>a
> >>ball when they sleep.
> >>
> >>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out
>to
> >>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight
>out
> >>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
>nothing
> >>but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
> >>bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door
> >>shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or
>get
> >>your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
>through
> >>the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years
>--
> >>canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> >>
> >>The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
>I
> >>cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have
posted
>the
> >>following message on our front door:
> >>
> >>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
> >>
> >>1. They live here. You don't.
> >>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
> >>(That's why they call it furniture).
> >>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> >>4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter
>who
> >>is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
> >>Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> >> 1. Eat less.
> >> 2. Don't ask for money all the time.
> >> 3. Are easier to train.
> >> 4. Usually come when called.
> >> 5. Never drive your car.
> >> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
> >> 7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
> >> 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
> >> 9. Don't wear your clothes.
> >> 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
> >> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
>
>---------------------------------

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon
>> > > for a face-lift.
>> > > The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
>> > > small
>> > > knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
>> > tighten
>> > > up
>> > > her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
>> > > Of course the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
>> > the
>> > > woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects were wonderful, and
>> > the
>> > > woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
>> > > After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
>> > problems.
>> > > "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
>> > turn
>> > > the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
>> > > developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags
>> > under
>> > > my
>> > > eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
>> > > The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
>> > are
>> > > your breasts."
>> > > "Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the
>> > goatee."

OMG i luv the pet one , im so printing off the note to visitors!!!!!!

I love those, Soda. The pet one is sooooo cute. Thanks.

I was in Kroger's the other day going thru the express checkout line with only a bag of Purina dog food in my cart when a nosy woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, easy, cheap and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

This is so funny :roflmao: that it will boggle your mind. :banghead: And, you will keep
> trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your
> foot. But you can't!!! :curse:
>
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor!
> and make clockwise circles with it.
>
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
> right hand .. Your foot will change direction!!!
>
> I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it. Make
> sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
> believe it either!!!

Hah!
If you could lick your own balls you would have never made it out of the house! :rofl:

OMG.....TFF.......mental pic!!!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter" A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, she asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it , he jumped over the fence into our yard!..... That must've been scary", said the teacher....... "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went "Fffff, Fffff,Fffff....and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!


:rofl:

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding
anniversary."Tomorrow" his wife said angrily, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero - 200 in two seconds flat".

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the
driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale. HIS FUNERAL IS TOMORROW.

Sorry if it's a repost.


Subject: Fw: Cyanide
>>>>
>>>>A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
>>>>cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the
>>>>
>>>>world do you need cyanide?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
>>>>give
>>>>you cyanide to kill your husband? That's
>>>>
>>>>against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail
>>>>and
>>>>all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not,
>>>>
>>>>you can NOT have any cyanide!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
>>>>husband
>>>>in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't
>>>>tell
>>>>me you had a prescription."
>>>>
>
>