We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young
man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was
absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind,
loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her,
he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released having been rehabilitated.
Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to
such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster
like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

Woot! :thumb:

So, I lost a trivia contest last night by 1 point.
 

The last question was “Where do women have the curliest hair?”


... apparently the correct answer is Fiji .

Lol

A Cow, An Ant And An Old Fart

A cow an ant and an old fart are debating who is the greatest one among the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 50 liters of milk every day, and that's why I'm the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

A teacher asks a blonde uni girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome times."


Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!

Bottle of Merlot
 

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....

^^^^ Lol! :roflmao:

Oldies and goodies.

Scottish insults: never piss of a Scotsman.


She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty! (Sooty is a Brit handpuppet)

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clowns pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Piss flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A c*nt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked m re times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

^^ Wow! That's harsh!


... funny, but harsh.

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.

They do have a way with words, don't they? :yikes:

[QUOTE=dicksbro]EVER WONDER?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's called taxes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?








A: A boner.

I'll go to hell for this.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

Philosophy joke
 

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumor or send an e-mail.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first Test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what You are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The Lie-Detecting Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

:yikes:





:roflmao:

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked
her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers,
rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps.
"How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man.
"These are my khakis".

I went into Hungry Jacks the other day and, as
I was ordering, two Muslim women walked in.

I saw they had the most colourful garments from
head-to-toe and I immediately thought to myself........

"The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks."

:roflmao: Have you applied to be their ad man?

AMAZING WORD TRICKS


A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other fucking hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that???

Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in
Dublin was drinking in Donohue's pub in Merrion Row when he gets a
call on his mobile phone.



He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for
everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce
just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a
typical Australian baby boy.



Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.



Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.



Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets
about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how
much does he weigh now?



The proud father answers '17 pounds"



Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds
the day he was born.

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Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ..............
"Had him circumcised mate"

a few quick ones

Two women were having lunch together and were discussing cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa!", replied the first woman. "I just can picture your husband as a blonde."


How is a Scotsman different from a Rolling Stone?
The Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
Her husband replied, "Yes, honey. That was the happiest hour of my life."

:roflmao:

Wisdom




A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'




With age comes wisdom.

This is my total stock, love it or not.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I found this going through an old thumbdrive.

I'd forgotten how much I'd enjoyed this one.

I get it.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies!

:roflmao: Good lesson.

Apparently the Recession Cut Deeper Than We Thought.

BBC/AP— LONDON , UK (August 18th)

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday
in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins
a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February
from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years
of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members
and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told
the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause
of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a
kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to
have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their
operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the
emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know
what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise .

OMG! :roflmao:



When all the virgins are gone ... does that mean we'll have peace?

Q: How long does it take to make a virgin?
A: Oops! Too late.

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The
bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.

I've heard that one before, and it's still funny......and TRUE!

Love it, PF. :roflmao: