A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and gusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend :hump: when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. :yikes:

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" :sad:

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" :doorpeek:

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" :thumb:

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" :thumbs:

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining." :shrug:

Okay. :boink:







:roflmao:

The Lord and the hot rodder

A hot rodder was driving along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."

The rodder pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the
P a c i f i c! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The rodder thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

lmao. that was very funny, thnx for the laugh. :)

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

3 nuns
 

Three nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

(If you laugh you are going straight to hell!) we'll see u there, lol.

lol...nice one IWM

A nun is laying naked in the bath when there is a knock on the door.

"who is there?" she asks?

"it's the blind man" a man calls back.

"then you may enter"

He walks in and gazes at her.

"Oh nice tits... where do you want the blinds?"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." :rofl:

>I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at
>Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had
a
>dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again,
>although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last
>time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care
>ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that
>it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat
>one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
>complete so I was going to try it again.
>
>I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now
>enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
>
>Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been
sitting
>in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall
guy
was
>going to have to stagger out the door he was laughing so hard.
>

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at
his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a
smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and
softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end
together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and

asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers
in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

************************************************** ***************


Here is a little joke to make you smile today!!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little winkie through the bushes, I say, $20 or o ff it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me".
************************************************** ****************

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog
and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods,
grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to f ollow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn
thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

************************************************** *************

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"

The man replies,
"No, what do you mean?"

She says,
"You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells,

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership >fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies,

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!"

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies,





"Over here, on the swing."

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The following 15 Police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country...

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll streach out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired form my gun."

11.so you don't know how fast your were going? I guess that means I can write anything i want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, Sir, YOu can talk to the shift supervisor, but I dont think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! YOu want a warning? O.K., I am warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey poo."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "in God we trust, all others we run throught NCIC."

4. " Just how big were those two beers?"

3. "No sir we dont have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and ............ The best one !!!!!!

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...You're right we don't....Sign here.