See what's wrong when you lose control?
 

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

An 84-year old lady just got married for the fourth time to a funeral director. After the ceremony the minister asked her about her first three husbands.

"Well, the first was a banker ... very well off. And, the second was a performer and a good one, he used to practice his routine all the time. The third guy was a minister and, of course, my latest is a funeral director."

"Interesting," replied the minister. "What made you marry men of such widely divergent professions?"

"Well," said the lady, "It was one for the money and two for the show with three to get ready and four to go."

Wrong Truck
Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride one night from this real mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said: "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy, or a girl." answered the hitch-hiker. "Don't matter, I'm gonna screw ya anyway."

The Indian with one Testicle
 

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged himand said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on... take a guess!

Think about it!

You're going to love this!




Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Airplane humor
 

Just in case you need a laugh (some sounded familar, but they're worth reading again):

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Just turned 21
 

A dad and mom had a son but the poor little boy was born with no torso, or arms or legs ... just a head. Obviously, the little guy couldn't do much, but his dad tried to be a loving father and one day, when his son turned 21, he decided he'd take him down to the local bar and get him his first drink.

So, tucking his son's head under his arms, he made the trek to the bar and ordered a drink for his son. When he got the drink, he gave his son his first taste of alcohol and ... WHIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHH ... all of a sudden a torso appeared. Startled, the other patrons saw what happened and burst into a round of applause.

The dad, equally dumfounded gave his son anoither drink and ... again ... WHIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH, out spang the boys arms. The patrons all rose to their feet and applauded wildly at this miracle. The father, too was totally awe struck. He decided to give his boy the rest of the drink even though his son was now getting pretty tipsy. After all, it was his very first drink. Still, he took the glass in his new hands and downed what was left.

WHIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHH ... two legs appeared almost by magic. The bar went wild with people clapping and cheering and celebrating this wonderful turn of events. The dad, totally thrilled by what had happened, helped his son to his feet. Obviously, with the drinks and the new legs, his son was at first pretty unsteady, but, in a little bit he kind of got himself together and told his dad he was just going to step outside to see how that felt.

He stepped out the door and accidently stepped off the curb when a truck came speeding up and hit the poor boy doing him in.

The father was grief stricken. The bartender came up and put his hand on the dad's shoulder and absent mindedly said, "I knew he should have stopped while he was a head."








:yikes:

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"No way, not a chance, it's 3:00 in the morning!" says the husband. He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory, remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

:wink:

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

:thumbs:

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum...

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Amazing what skipping a few words can do isn't it?

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

A repeat, but worth it.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'


The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

:thumbs:

:roflmao:

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines"
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta South Carolina . Enjoy!


1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

How could those miss? :confused:




Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

PF, Coldwater's giving me one of his dark looks!

I believe he's part bear and thought you were from Queensland. :bite:

Set him straight for me.

I've travelled through Queensland, even spoken with inhabitants, even visited Toowoomba, but he should be able to tell, for goodness sake, like, I mean, well he just aught to be able to tell, y'know?

:rofl:





She's going to get you for that! :roflmao:

*is lost* *L*

^^^


:doorpeek:

Best left that way. LOL

The ten most appropriate used of the "F" word.

10th - "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the fuck are we?" ˆ Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ... drum roll please ...

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is gonna find out?" - Tiger Wood, 2009.

:roflmao: ^^^^

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
OMG! One of the best in a long time. My checks are cramping from laughing so hard. :rofl:

The Honorary Degree

A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, "I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition."
"What's the condition?" asked the U.T president.
"I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor's of Transportation."
The president said, "I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you."
The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, "I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree."
Another trustee piped up, "But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?"
"Nope," said the old man. "In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!"

Lol.

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat, and bingo, she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy

:roflmao:

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.


The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxamilion,
invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July
17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the
electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air
Conditioner,'on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so
to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.

OOOOOoooooooooohhhhh. Somebody catch that shaggy dog. :banghead:




















:roflmao:

:roflmao:

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing... "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It IS dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

^^^^^^^Patriotism at it's finest folks. That is the American dream.