Kid's Science Exam
 

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where
the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Stop!
 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Deputy’s expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky.

When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked "Where is everybody?"

The barman replied, "They're all gone to the hanging."

"Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete", he replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" asked the cowboy.

"Well" said the bartender, " He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes"

"What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

^^^
:eew:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side
is a
>valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
>speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size
>as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
>flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
>traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out
>of this highly dangerous situation?
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>Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much
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You little...............!
 

The nightmare of having a daughter

This is to anyone who has daughters, and to those who are pregnant, hope you don't get a daughter!!!!
My fears!!!

MOTHER passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
made and everything was cleaned up. Then she saw an envelope on the bed.

It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the letter and read it with trembling hands.

"Dear Mom, It is with great sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.
I've been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all his peircings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too.

Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He sure deserves it! Don't worry about me,Mom. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter

XXXXXXX



PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in the center drawer of my desk. I love you.

Please call when it is safe to come home. !!!!!!"

:roflmao:

Subject: COMPUTER SKILLS
 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

-----------------


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


-------------------

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


--------------------


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! Im not Bill Gates.


:fone:


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find i

-----------------


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah........ ...........thank you.

------------------


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


---------------------


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is ther e another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


:banghead:


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


------------------------


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


-------------------


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


--------------------


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


:fix:


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


------------------


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


---------------------


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
:roflmao:

"P" on the keyboard.........LAMO!!!

There is also the one about the woman who rang to complain about her computer not working.

It was all connected right.

After a lot of questioning it turned out that the computer hadn't worked since the power had been cut off.

She was told to pack the puter back in it's box and take it back to where she got it, because she was too dumb to own a computer. (urban legend)

Jesus Is Watching You :cool:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." :yikes:

OMG! That's hilarious! Woof!

You are driving in a car at a constant
speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



any idea?



think about it...........



still don't know.....



then go ahead and scroll down for the answer

















Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

I scrolled ^^ to get the answer. :roflmao:

Someone's been reading the lateral thinking book.