Number 2000 for the thread.



I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Euros.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat Euro fo Yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Old Rabbi Moiskovitch was due to retire. His wife, to get together a truly memorable gift for his retirement, went to the local leather worker
with a jar containing every foreskin the Rabbi had ever removed. The leatherworker said he’d think of something.

The following week she went back to him to see how the work was coming along. He reached under the counter and pulled out the most wonderful wallet
tanned and inscribed with Talmudic texts and pictures. Mrs Moiskovitch was greatly impressed, then on reflection said, “It’s really good, but is this all I get for
a half century’s circumcisions? It’s really quite small.”

“Small?” he replied. “Give it a rub and you’ve got yourself a suitcase.”

Pilots and Control Towers
 

Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

----------

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

----------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

----------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

----------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

----------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

----------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

----------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.."

----------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
\
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

----------

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Always goodies.

An Irishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The Irishman replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

In Oz, we'd tell that as a Kiwi joke.

:roflmao:

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

That reminds me of the guy who came home from a round of golf and his wife asked him how he did.

"Well, it was going pretty well until the fifth hole, then, ol' George had a heart attack and keeled over. After that, things went from bad to worse. It was hit the ball and drag George, hit the ball and drag George."

I heard he was a drag.

The Black Bra - story of three > women
 

>
> I had lunch
> with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a
> mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were
> chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
> by
> wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
> eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
> notes.
>
> Here's how it all went.
>
>
> My engaged
> friend:
> The other night when
> my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice,
> tall
> stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my
> dreams. I love you' and we made love all night
> long.”
>
> The mistress:
> Me too! The other night I met my lover at
> his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a
> raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he
> didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
> night.
>
> Then I shared
> my story:
> When my husband
> came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
> stilettos
> and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me
> he said, “What's for dinner,
> Batman?”

A skinny little
white guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down, and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big
guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little
guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big guy says:
"I saw your curious look and
figured I'd give you the answers
to the questions everyone always asks me
I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch private, my
testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet
Jesus, I thought you said,
Turnaround."

Bitchin'.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles supermarket.

The husband goes into the liquor area and picks up a slab of VB and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies..

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down, we have a husband down!'

Two Saudis boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat, and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine on temporary duty orders sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors,

"Why does it have to be this way?

"How long must this go on?

"This fighting between our nations?

"This hatred? This animosity?

"This spitting in shoes




















... and pissing in cokes?'

The Sound of Aging
 

(Sing It!)

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

Great Writer "There was once a young man, in his youth, his desire was to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages..........

Widdle Wabbit
 

Widdle Wabbit



A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Lmao!

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

That's both amusing and cute.

Murphy’s Sex Laws?
 

I thought these were cute.

----------

Murphy’s Sex Laws

1. There is no remedy for sex, except more sex.

2. Sex has no calories.

3. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

4. The more beautiful the woman who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

5. Nothing improves with age.

6. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

7. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty – only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

23. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

24. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

25. There may be some things better than sex and some things worse than sex. But there’s nothing exactly like sex.

26. Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.

27. If the efforts that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the moon.

28. Love is a matter of Chemistry; sex is a matter of Physics.

29. Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four letter words to convey its full meaning.

30. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

31. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

32. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

33. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

34. Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.

35. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

36. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

37. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

38. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

39. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn’t love her.

40. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

41. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

42. Love comes in spurts.

43. The world does not revolve on an axis.

44. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

45. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

46. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

47. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool, when they fall in love.

48. Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

49. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Yep.

Church bulletins
 

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

-------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

I have watched that performance once or twice. :yikes:

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

:roflmao:

?? Joke ?? Gumbint and how Gumbint works.
 

Gumbint and How Gubmint Works


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

AND, NOW, WE ARE GOING TO TURN THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

HELLO! Anybody Home?

:(

Lub dat Gumbint.

I find that quite amusing. Especially since I did not vote for this administration.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

The young man took his blonde girlfriend to see her first American football game. After the game he asked her, "Well, did you enjoy the game?"

"Yes, very much," she replied. "Although I don't know why they try so hard to kill each other for a mere 25 cents."

Bewildered by her comment he asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Well," she said, "before the game they flipped the quarter and all through the rest of the game the fans kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

:faint:

this joke is better verbally but what the heck



One the first day of the school year, the new third grade teacher is taking attendance. Reaching the f's she sees the name Fuckhour, Johnny. SHe calls his name Fuckhour, john and he replies present. "Now Johnny "she says "this can't be your real last name it is a joke, tell me your last name. "
Little Johnny replies " No Miss Jones it isn't a joke that is me real last name"
"Johnny do not lie to me or you will get detention !"
" Miss Jones that is my real name,my brother dave is the the fifth grade, you can check if you don't believe me."
After class Miss Jones is in the teacher's lounge and meets the fifth grade teacher Miss Smith.After explain about little Johnny's prank on her she asks " Miss SMith" she says " do you have a Fuckhour in your class ?" To which she responds " Hell no we don't even get a coffee break !"

^^^^ Cute :D

At the end of their long, intense Catholic education, Sister Beatrice called the girls to assembly one last time.

"And finally girls, society judges harshly any sign of moral laxity. Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime's regret?"

A little voice drifted up from the back of the hall, "Please Sister, how do you make it last an hour?"

St. Paddy's Day
 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Another Irish bit of humor
 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

... and still one more!
 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"